"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate I shall be content with silence." Ansel Adams And you can tell that in his photographs. Amazing. I think I finally hit upon it.
I'm completely, totally, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually bored. Even the Red Hot Chili Peppers don't seem exciting today. I hate to even type this because it's so much like whining but I need to put it out there somewhere, I guess.
It's not like I don't have great people and situations in my life, and I'm at just about my usual level of stirring up excitement. I had dinner with my most fabulous friend J. last night, a prince among men, this guy. It was awesome - really good wine, tapas, a charming waiter, outstanding conversation. We both had lots to share about what was going on in our lives, and he's one of those people who makes you feel comfortable and engaged just because he exists. I've met, maybe, ten people like that in 34 years, and I know a lot of quality people.
And I don't know why I'm talking about it now, except to say that I wish I could have those kinds of interactions every day. It just doesn't seem to be happening lately, for whatever reason. So much of the focus, everywhere I go, is on minutiae, and gossip (which I am coming to despise), and random things that seem to mean nothing. There's no productive dialogue going on at the national level, so maybe this is just a reflection of that. Who knows? I've spent some restorative time alone lately, which I find is very important. I literally hibernated from January til May. But now I wish I could be connected in some way to a community, or a cause, or an interest, that wasn't solitary...I'm not at all alone, hardly ever, and yet there's this sort of hole that I can't explain. It seems even stranger because I have so many interests, and love so many things. I'm reading something, or listening to something, or doing something, or thinking about something (maybe that's the problem) just about every second of the day from the time I get up until I go to sleep.
It might just be anxiety building because of the move, and the worry over how I'm going to get all of this stuff down ALL THOSE STEPS, when I'd rather almost just set it all afire. I'm tired of thinking about it. I hate moving so much, and since I don't have any desire to leave my place, this time it's hitting me particularly hard. I'm trying hard not to feel sad about it - and to get organized for it, mentally and physically, and that entails going through so much useless crap stuff. I'm admittedly not so good at the nuts and bolts of things like this. My friend Erica can tell a great story about me moving from Dayton, when she came over THE DAY BEFORE I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO, to find me sitting in the middle of my closet reading my saved greeting cards. She just started throwing my stuff in plastic bags and saved my life, truly.
Amazingly enough, my kitchen has stayed in good shape since it was arranged in January, and that's a good start. I'm thinking that I want to give most of the stuff away. Who knows how long I'll be home, and how long it'll be packed away. That's sort of a waste, and there's no room for it anyway. Most of the other stuff can be dispersed througout my parents' house. This means they'll get a great television for the first time in a long time and a brand-new entertainment center. I just don't really care about this stuff right now.
Maybe the wedding this weekend will hep (haha. I wrote "hep".) And vacation will surely help, although I'd rather it was a month instead of a week. Travel usually does the trick. I just need to focus on the positive outcomes of the move...more freedom, and the chance to do some things that I've been putting on hold for far too long. The doors will open. Something will trigger it. It's just difficult, and so frustrating, not to know what that is quite yet.
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