LaurieWrites

Blogher

I'd love it if you'd check out my new gig at Blogher. You know..if you feel like it.

I'm a contributing editor for travel and recreation, which means that I keep tabs on blogs written by women in these categories, and post links to them on blogher along with some (hopefully) intelligent and entertaining commentary. Travel I've got down, but I'm still figuring out exactly what "recreation" means in this context. Stuff like this, maybe?

Anyway, once you get to the site, if you click on the "travel and recreation" link on the left-hand side, you'll get to my category. You'll know it's me because of the teeny-tiny picture of my smiling face that goes alongside my posts. It looks like this:

And you know, whenever you see my smiling face, you'll have to smile yourself, because...Well, James Taylor says to.

This site is designed to be a collection of the best writing by women on the Web, specifically in blogs. It just launched today as a beta site, which in English means it's still really new, might have some problems, and will likely see some changes in layout and functionality. (GAH! I said FUNCTIONALITY!) But so far it looks pretty good to me, tech whiz that I am. ; )  I am so impressed with the women who started this group and who DO have the technological and entrepreneurial skills to build it into an even cooler situation. I'm jazzed to be a part of it - also because I get to go to California this summer to meet many of the people involved. Can't wait!

If you get a chance to check the site out, thanks. I really hope to do more professional writing work this year, and it's encouraging that I got to do something fun to kick it off in January. And please pass along any travel blogs you come across (or even Web sites - I'm a link junkie). As much as I aspire to, I can't be everywhere. 

I'd hate to see a fake one

Next time you go to Hooters, if there is ever such an occasion, please note that there are tiers of, er, Hooters authenticity.

I met some co-workers there for lunch last week, which I hesitate to do, anyway, because. Just  because. But they do have good wings, and there's something about a bunch of regular, non-Hooters looking women showing up there that busts up the horndog vibe just a little bit, and I can always appreciate a good buzzkill.

Did that sound genuine? Good.

So I walk through the door, and Jessica Simpson is sitting there. It's like this girl went on that horrifying show I Want a Famous Face and asked to be Jessica Simpson, who I despise. She was probably wearing the whole Dessert Beauty line, at once. (And please note that I cannot be responsible for what happens to you if you hear the music at that link. Apologies, though. Seriously.) Anyway, I ended up in a conversation with the doppelganger, and this is what I learned:

DG: HEY! Welcome to HOOTERS! Can I HELP YOU?

ME: Hi. I'm just waiting for my friends. They should be along any second.

DG: OKAY!!!!!!!! Just HANG OUT!!!!!!!!

ME: Gotcha.

ME, clearly bored: So, do you make a lot of money here?

DG: Well, see, I'm a REAL HOOTERS GIRL. And I just got MY boob job, so I can't carry anything yet and so I have to sit here. But when I go back out on the floor, I'll do SUPER WELL.

ME, ears bleeding: Oh. I see. Wow.

DG: So YEAH. It's GREAT.

ME: I just have one question. Was the boob job mandatory? Because if it was I'll probably have to leave.

DG: Oh NO. I totally WANTED it. I'm EXCITED. This is going to be FUN. You know, once I'm all HEALED.

ME: Well. Yes. Okay.

The door opened at that moment and my friends came through it. So I told them, and had no explanation for why I'd just received the information I was sharing, except for, well, there's that sign I wear that says, "Please, tell me. NO matter how horrifying it is. I desperately want to know."

Soul Parking

So I finally did it. I was finally desperate enough, and late enough, and probably pissed off enough, to park in one of the spaces at the grocery store reserved for "expectant mothers and mothers with small children."

The parking lot was full, but there were FIVE of these spaces available. I needed one. I was in a bind, and was after all buying emergency supplies for a BABY party, so maybe that gave me some parking space cred, I thought. I'd only be in the store for five minutes, so unless the Osmond family caravan pulled up outside, what were the chances that a pregnant woman or mom hauling quintuplets would have to park a mile away? Nada. So I pulled in, therefore rendering it a "space reserved for a stressed out, running late single woman who is here buying matching "it's a girl" and "it's a boy" balloons because the original "boy" one popped, leaving one twin in the cold, and who occasionally contemplates freezing her own eggs, so cut her some slack will you?"

Still, when I got out of the car (and this is the most ridiculous part, and therefore the most true to life, so pay close attention) I kind of fluffed my coat out, daring anyone to notice that despite my usual - ahem - tummy bulge, I was not, for sure and for certain, packing a fetus. New lows at lunch hour in suburbia, folks - but I'd do it again, no question.

Let's hear it for the boy.

let's give the boy a hand.

Chris Penn died today, and so did another little piece of my childhood. He was only 40 years old - only five years older than I am. He played Willard in Footloose, and the montage where he "learns to dance" would not only go on to be the most memorable montage of any sort on film for me to date, but it also rocks. Still.

I was a HUGE Kevin Bacon fan at the time (and remain so, just for this movie, although I'll never forgive him for "Tremors" and have never heard a Bacon Brothers song) and watched this movie just this past year like three times over on a VH1 "Movies That Rock" marathon. The scene at the end where they all - including Ren and Willard - dance at the prom is still one of the most joyful moments ever committed to film. I never followed Penn's career after Footloose, either. This film was quite enough, and I love that these guys live for me, captured as they were on film in 1984. I have no idea what took Chris Penn, although I can surely guess, but MAD props to him for Willard. It mattered.

Ren: You like Men At Work?
Willard: what men?
Ren: Men at work.
Willard: well where do they work?
Ren: No, they're a music group.
Willard: well what do they call themselves?
Ren: Oh no! What about the Police?
Willard: What about 'em?
Ren: You ever heard them?
Willard: No, but I seen them.
Ren: Where, in concert?
Willard: No, behind you.

Willard: You know what it is, you've got an attitude problem.
Ren: Oh I've got an attitude problem?
Willard: Yes and I'm not the first one that's noticed it. I mean we're not stuck in the goddamn middle ages here. I mean we've got TV. We've got Family Feud. We're not stuck in Leave It To Beaver land here.
Ren: Well I haven't noticed a wet T-shirt contest in town yet.
Willard: Yeah but I'm waiting. Patiently.

Willard: "Ariel likes trouble, and everyone around here knows that you're t-r-u-b-l."

Sad

Our trash man died on our street today. He was run over by the trash truck. My mom was home when it happened, and she called me to tell me, and although I didn't know him, the more I thought about it, the more unspeakably sad it became. I mean, here was this guy, doing his regular work to keep our lives clicking along...and he gets crushed beneath the wheels of this huge truck.

The man who was driving was apparently, obviously, very upset - concerned that he would no longer have a job and about the reaction of the family of the man who died.

You just never, never know.

Espresso Dating

(I did not make that up. I sort of wish I did, which is why I may not respect myself in the morning, but I didn't.)

Hey, you got your latte in my peanut butter.

(I did make that up, which I'm not so proud of. Sure, it has just the right amount of slightly outdated pop culture cachet that usually satisfies me, but hasn't that "Hey you got your chocolate in my peanut butter" thing kind of been done enough? Couldn't I have added in a reference to something more timely, like iPods or Nicole Richie's arms? Not that I would EVER joke about the daughter of the man who brought me "Easy like Sunday morning." Please.)

Anyway, Starbucks and Yahoo Personals met online. It's a beautiful thing. They're registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Please do not buy them anything taupe - only primary colors.

There is even a spot on this scary site where couples can "share" how they met - and one even got married - in a Starbucks store. And for those still out there looking - someone PLEASE save me from 2006 - they'll even take a stab at what the drink your date orders is supposed to say about their personality.

My current interest in Cinnamon Dolce Lattes should therefore indicate that I'm "sweet, with a fiery glow simmering just below the surface." However, any fool could see that a drink that tastes like liquid cinnamon buns is bound to be clutched in this coffee freak's hot little hand, and have nothing whatsoever to do with a date - espresso or otherwise. Sweet, with a fiery glow simmering just below the surface

Smoking

So I just went to the Starbucks, because every day I can squeeze another Pumpkin Spice cup 'o fun from them after it's taken off the official menu is a GOOD day. And I'm standing there a respectable distance to the left of the VERY TINY PICK-UP TABLE that SOME PEOPLE FEEL IS AN IDEAL SPACE TO BLOCK WHILE TALKING LOUDLY ON THEIR CELL PHONES LIKE THIS (not that I'm bitter or anything...) when a tall boy in a long, black, goth-ish trench coat taps me on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," he said. "Do you have an extra cigarette?"

"Nope," I said, processing the fact that I didn't have ANY cigarettes, much less extra. "Not for two years or so."

"Oh," he said, "Cause I thought I saw you standing outside smoking."

Dressed as I was in my sad suburban chic gym outfit of Margaritaville t-shirt, college logo gym shorts, and Nike Shox, replete with Sunday ponytail hair and a jones for caffeine, I couldn't imagine how he could mistake me for ANYONE, much less someone who'd been standing outside smoking a minute ago. Or maybe I fell into a wrinkle in time. Maybe I'd regressed to my teenaged self, and instead of spending the last hour suffering on the elliptical trainer and running to nowhere, had really been on the curb outside of the coffee store, sucking down Marlboro Lights - 100s, thanks, boxed.

Doubtful, so instead I said, "Sorry, kicked it," in reference to the habit that as bad for you as it is, tends to throw you in the path of some interesting people and conversations.

"I am no child, no babe.
Your betters have endured me say my mind,
And if you cannot, best you stop your ears.
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart,
Or else my heart, concealing it, will break,
And rather than it shall I will be free
Even to the uttermost, as I please, in words."

Shakespeare, "Taming of the Shrew"

Vows

True love.

"If you ever need a kidney, I will give you mine if I haven't broken it yet."
- Motocross racer Carey Hart, in his personal vows to Pink during their wedding ceremony

Goodbye 2005

So it's back to work tomorrow. Vacation is over. It's just never long enough. Herewith, a year-end madcap meme (that's what a survey's known as in these here blogosphere parts, case you didn't know!)

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?

Developed film in the darkroom. Life-altering, in a bizarre way. Went to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. You should really go to the Grand Canyon if you haven't been already. It changed my perspective on this country. Las Vegas is the nuthouse it purports to be. Ate Ethiopian food = mostly yummy. Went to Charlottesville. Worked out every day when I was away at the beach and still gained two pounds. Cancelled my birthday party. Went the whole year without setting foot in a church, I believe.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never make resolutions in a traditional sense, although I do consider the turn of the year a powerful moment. It's a useful unit of time for taking stock, really - where was I last year? Who was around? What did I do that didn't work? What can I do better?  My only resolve this year is to use my powers for good, which I know is possible every second, but it just doesn't always happen. Please let this be a good year. Please, I resolve.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope. Two next year, though.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?

I just saw more of this one.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?

A clue. Peace in my heart. A hand to hold. Smooshy things. More cake. Time to breathe. My own space. More time with my friends.

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 2nd and something-teenth. First=beautiful day, second=sad.  August 2nd - move out day. Hated it. Whatever day the BNL, Elton and Killers' shows were. December 23 - resigned from my job and took a new one (in the same place). December 27th - birthday drag bingo, baby. ; )

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Keeping my head up when I wanted to just lay down on the floor and not get up for days. Surviving the summer. Getting another job. Spending a week in Vegas and having fun mostly on my own.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Caving occasionally. Not always showing grace under pressure. Blowing some deadlines. Summer vacation. Not getting my Web site built. No more writing gigs.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was sick all fall and felt like a whiney crybaby for talking about it so much, but man it was a BITCH. I felt like it was never going to go away.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My photography equipment. iTunes songs. Food at Lebanese Taverna. Concert tickets. Some really good presents. Best thing bought for me: 60gb iPod.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Everyone I love who is trying so hard to live a good and productive life. Anyone who spoke the truth about the government's (state, local and national) mishandling of the hurricanes, and anyone who got up off their ass and helped. The tsunami survivors who didn't lay down and die in response to what they'd lost.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Anyone who used the phrase "the American people" without irony. You know who. Tom Cruise. SUV drivers who try to dominate my little Beetle=big, fat cowards. Dumb, mean people. People who blamed the striking Nutcracker ballet dancers for their timing. Hosts of entertainment "news" shows. Katie Couric. My own, occasionally.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Photography. Travel. Music. Food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about

Traveling. Seeing the Killers and Elton John. Meeting Barenaked Ladies.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?

Since U Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson; Feel Good Inc, Gorillaz; Stuck in the Middle With You, Stealer's Wheel; the entire "Hot Fuss" album, the Killers (especially All These Things That I've Done and Smile Like You Mean It); Lodi, CCR; Good Day for the Blues, Storyville; Float On, Modest Mouse; Boom Shack-a-Lack, Apache Indian; Stop in the Name of Love, The Supremes; Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap; White Christmas (in July), Bing Crosby; Step Into Christmas, Elton John; Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day; Let's Get it Started, Black-eyed Peas

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Sadder, but hopeful.
b) thinner or fatter? A little fatter, probably.
c) richer or poorer? A bit poorer in spirit but not enough to matter.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Taking photos. Writing. Swimming. Exercising. Having fun. Spending time with my friends. Smooching. : )

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying. Crying. Bitching. Sitting in traffic and standing in line. Freaking out. Working late.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

This year? Hopefully on a beach somewhere. I've learned my lesson.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?

Over and over, every day. And in like a lot too....

22. How many one-night stands?

8723

23. What was your favorite TV program?

This was the year I almost stopped watching television, but Family Guy and South Park remain essential. ER has some life again. Medium.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hell, no. Hate? Doesn't happen.

25. What was the best book you read?

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer. Read it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Killers (trendy, but I can't help it.) Imogen Heap. The new Girlyman cd.

27. What did you want and get?

An iPod. My Pier One bill paid off. Snacks. A new gig.

28. What did you want and not get?

A roommate for my apartment. A bathtub. 

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

None stand out. I didn't go to the movies very much. However, I did watch the Thanksgiving showing of the Sound of Music on television, and it was just like it was when I was a kid. I didn't even mind the commercials. When the family Von Trapp was walking across the mountains (Gretel: "AH WE GOING TO HAVE TO PUSH THE CAAH ALL THE WAY TO SWITZ-ah-LAND????") at the end, and that evil "Climb E'vry Mountain" started up, I was cutting mats in my dining room, sobbing. Gets me every time.

I wanted my favorite to be Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it wasn't. I had an odd love for Spanglish, even when Adam Sandler does that funny little mumbly thing. I re-watched Office Space like ten times.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I went to drag queen bingo for my 35th and it was actually really fun. Then I went to another bar and a 20 year old gay boy asked if he could kiss me. Sweet. Madonna and Janet Jackson were on, too, so it was quite a night.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A lighter workload. Calming the fuck down a little bit more. Not having to move. Not getting sick in Vegas. A Metallica concert. A vacation with a cute boy.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?

I am totally cute, you guys. : )

33. What kept you sane?

The desire to keep my job for an income source and health insurance. Coffee. Karen. Reading great blogs. More music than ever. The Borders cafe. My dog. Sheer, blind, faith. Stacey. Denise. Jeremy.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I have a girl crush on Jennifer Aniston. I think she's so lovely. Whatever, Angelina. Tina Fey. The eternal John Cusack. Vince Vaughan. Jake Gyllenhall. Paul Giamatti.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

The morass of ridiculousness that is our entire political system. However, I have to say that our goverment's "response" to the hurricanes was laughable. I can't believe this man hasn't been shown the door.

36. Who did you miss?

Shobha. Vicky. Erica. Mike. My sister when she wasn't around. Jesse. Kim.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Tumpa. Susan (I didn't exactly MEET her this year but we became good friends.) Carmen.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.

My dog is the only being in my life who is totally consistent, so he gets extra snacks. Sometimes things just don't feel good, and there's nothing you can do about it. You have to have a plan for most things.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
...

While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

Hold on."

"Smile like you mean it."

"We hit the stretch south of Rehoboth
The Atlantic Ocean came into sight
There was nothing on the radio but old Joni Mitchell
And I said, 'lean your seat back, just close your eyes, and I'll drive'
I'll bring you home and carry your shit to the house
How else can I say this?
I never really tried
I was always afraid that the world would end in ice"

"Record and play, after years of endless rewind. Yesterday wasn't half as tough as this time."

The end.