It's come to my attention as I putter around the streets of this place where I live that church signs have become more threatening lately. And I have to wonder if this is really necessary. When I lived in Ohio, I was a case manager in some rural areas where churches were stacked pretty deep, and I saw some doozies out there, but the harshest were generally quotes of verses from Revelation and whatnot that spoke of the alternatives to godliness in no uncertain terms. I was used to those, though, considered my location and moved along (this is not to imply that all Ohioans are fundamentalist or live in rural farming communities or that the latter implies the former or vice versa. Many of my friends out there were some of the most progressive people I've ever met, and some of them lived in the country! Something about breathing some clean air that can let a variety of thoughts in, I guess.)
Anyway, tonight as I was driving home, I drove by a local church and the sign said, "If you think it's hot out HERE..."
Well, actually, I do. I think it is because it IS pretty DAMNED hot out here, since it's the MidAtlantic region and it's mid-July. There's humidity as thick as your very SOUL out there, my friend. What did you expect? Low 70s and a nice breeze? This is not the Bahamas, or Arizona in February. We're bumping up against August in this joint, which is the time of year where everyone who goes "GOD IT'S SO HUMID! IT'S SO HOTTTTT" gets a boot in the ass from the Obvious Fairy and their ticket to the Slip 'n Slide snatched right back, because, well...duh.
Anyway. Sorry. The fact that it is actually hot (although not as hot as I've experienced in July 'round here in all my sizzling hometown summers. Just sayin.) was the point of the sign designer, though, n'est-ce pas? It's not as hot as HELL, though...which is, I surmise, where you, Mr./or Ms. Church-Sign-Updater, think I'm going when the bell rings, or the horses thunder, or everybody leaves their cars unmanned at the rapture, or whatever the songs say, if I do not darken the cool and humidity-less (sorry) door of the church.
And this is only one of the latest winners from these folks. One of the sign sayings struck me as so snide and nasty a couple months ago that I meant to come home and write it down for no apparent reason other than that I must like to remember snide and nasty things, but I forgot to do it and I thankfully can't remember what it said. It was quickly replaced by one that said "God answers knee-mail", and another one that referred to His wireless connection always being on, or something, which are offensive to me just because they're stupid, not necessarily hostile (and isn't everything I write from the holy pen of heavenly genius? Hmm? No. But I can guarantee I'll never call it knee-mail, so that's worth a few shekels, I hope.) What enters into people's minds who come up with this stuff? Is this what Guideposts publishes now? I can just imagine someone sitting there, going "Let's appeal to the TECHIES and the COMMUTERS and get them to come to church by referencing those E-MAIL thingies and that unchurched wireless Internets addiction, but let's turn it on its ear in a godly sort of way."
Nah. Just say what you mean. Say..."church will make your life better," if that's what you're thinking. Or, rightly speaking by the current version, "Hell is extremely hot - hotter than itself, even. And if you think you're sweating NOW Miss Has-to-have-the-sunroof-open-and-the-AC-on, you're gonna be SCREWED in however many years of godless activity from now that you take the orange beetle down the escalator to the underworld". Say. It. Tell me I'm a heathen. Break my stride. Bring it. I went to Catholic school for 14 years, baby. I can totally pick up what you're puttin' down, and giftwrap it - and we never had signs like this, for which I offer hosannas even though I don't do that anymore. (Sorry, Grandma.)
It's like, AA has a policy of "attraction, not promotion." This means that if you tell someone what good has occurred in your life because of something, or make a suggestion that something may help in a way that does not threaten, badger, cajole or wheedle (are not cajole and wheedle two of the best words ever?), or maybe you just look so lit up from the inside over whatever it is you're into that people ask you about it because they'd like to be happy too, this is more effective than oh, say, a veiled threat of eternal damnation on a sign. Especially when you read said sign on say, the worst traffic evening, and you're already in a foul mood, and what you really need is like the John Cusack angel from God to rub your feet and bring you a Shirley Temple and sing you songs of praise. Usually when I get off of work this is the only kind of sign (or at least a variation on the theme) from above that I need, or certainly that I want, and if you bitch at me and tell me to slap on the SPF45 cause I'm gonna burn, I'm gonna think to myself, "Boy, that sucks," and ride on by.
Of course I had to see if there were any like-minded souls out there (I'm writing the word "soul" an unusual number of times. Maybe it's the signs. Maybe the gods of linguistics are poking fun at me.) Here's what I found when I typed "worst church signs" into Google, which I love with all of my soulless soul. A quick glance tells me that "Real Dads Git Er Done For God" is my favorite so far, although "Are U Crunk 4 Jesus?" is a WAY close second. If it wouldn't get me fired quicker than my ass will burn in the great beyond, I'd add it to my repertoire at work. You know, just as an ice-breaker. (Christ - sorry - that's funny. Are you crunk for Jesus. That's the best thing I've heard all day. A slow day, perchance, but who in the HELL cares. HAHA!)
And just for good measure, and to round out the church theme, here are a few photos of t-shirts that I saw on my vacation to one of the reddest states in all the land. 
What about Napoleon? And shouldn't we be a LITTLE bit worried about atheists? Or do they just get hung out to dry with the rest of the non-knee-mailers? Hmm? And last but not least, "Modest is hottest", because I know there's nothing we like more than a little titillation via abstinence. I neglected to check if father of the year Joe Simpson owned this store.
And now do please note that some of the greatest people I know who love me very much and whom I love also go to church on a regular basis, and when they talk to me about it, it's cool with me. It's definitely an attraction thing, because never once, not ever, have they asked me if I think it's hot in here. I guess that's the key. 
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