Friday

I am officially out of sorts. I'm pissed off and my back hurts and I'm sad and I'm irritable. There. I said it. I'm tired of being nice this week. I'm tired of talking about inconsequential things. I'm tired of being social. I'm tired of taking care of people at the moment. I need a vacation. BLAH. I don't know when the well went so dry. (And before you tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself, please note that this is where I go to unload so I don't.)

I hate when people say "You need" to do this or that, especially before 9 a.m. And when you bring it like that at that hour, on a day like today...Let's just say the results aren't satisfactory for anyone, really.

It's interesting that I recently posted about my grandmother, because I learned yesterday that she'll need to move from her assisted living facilty, because she requires more care than they can provide. I haven't discussed this with anyone in real life, and yet I write about it here. Odd. It's so upsetting for so many reasons that I don't really want to talk about it, which is how I know that something really upsets me (otherwise, clearly I have no problem going on and on and on.)

I don't know what we're going to do for her. I don't know where she's going to go. She's lived in this place for six years, and her quality of life there has been absolutely great. The staff has been good and the setting is beautiful. It's a Catholic facility so she's been able to go to church and there are several retired priests who live there so she gets to chat with them and that pleases her. She was one of the residents who moved in when the place first opened, and I can say with conviction that had she not moved there, she would likely have withered away and died in the place she was in before. It was a typical corporate assisted living - pretty on the outside but lacking a soul, and it wasn't until she got to where she is now (by sheer luck, really) that she turned around. She often says, "If you have to be someplace, you may as well be here," which for her is high praise. 

Placing an elderly relative in a care facility is one of the most difficult things any human being ever has to do, and since most of us don't have unlimited funds, space, free time, or mental and physical stamina that caregiving requires, generally we do what we can with the resources we have. Since I worked in senior services for several years, I understood this process from a professional viewpoint, but nothing can prepare you for when it's your person going through this.

I'm sure it will be fine - or actually it'll just be what it needs to be, because these places have their rules and regulations, and levels of care that they're set up to handle. But it's hard to imagine telling her, much less physically moving her, just because she is so frail. She has most of her wits about her - they're just a little mixed up - so she'll be quite aware of what's going on, and aware enough to be depressed about it. It scares me, because change like this will be so hard, and I have no emotional separation when it comes to her. That was why I couldn't help to take care of her in the first place. There are a few people in my world whose safety and well-being are so important to me that I have very little rational sense when it comes to them. I know that's not good but it's just the way it is, and this is one of those times.

Comments

[joanna]

Sigh. Let's get together for coffee next week. Send me an email via work, okay?