Render Services

One more for the "WTF Files," I swear. Life is so weird lately.

I received this email today, as I looked up from my outstanding steamed dumpling lunch (heehee, that sounds funny too! WACK, this whole story is WACK!!!!) to the ding of the subject line, "Render Services" in my inbox.

"Oh good," I thought. "Yet another person is offering to render services to me, particularly services that I really, really want and couldn't possibly live without. This is so interesting. Please allow me to click on and read this email quickly, before it goes away. It couldn't possibly be a virus."

"Greetings!

  I am Johnson Smith from London UK, I came across your profile after an effortless search for a professional photographer. We are relocating to my new house that I just buy in IL, USA, I mean I and my wife and children on August  21st 2006, but I will be celebrating my birthday on October 11th 2006, So I want your service on my birthday October 11th 2006.

My address which the birthday party will take place is below:

   
xxxxx
Towson, Maryland
21204

That is my house address that I just buy and moving from London to in USA.

The birthday party will start 12pm to 4pm, so you can arrive the same day to our house if you like, or you can arrive at our house day b4 the party, just let me know which one you wish to do, but my house have adjacent rooms which you can stay in one of them if you like to come b4 the day of party. I invited 30 friends and that is all we are expecting on the day.

So let me know your charges rate for the party including the Airfare or your transportation amount, and let me know the amount all together, so I can arrange for the payment in time and you can be able to book the day for my Birthday Party.

I?m attending a Conference here in Beijing China now so you can reach me on this mobile number +8675309 Anytime from Monday to Sunday.

Thanks."

I repeat: WTF? I removed the street address and "mobile number". And I have no idea what profile this person is speaking of. Of course I have them. You do too, so shut up. Everyone wants me to fill one out, to do anything, it seems, from buying a cd to hunting down a defenseless MAN to be my BITCH. (HAHA! Y'all were DYING for that one, weren't you? Sorry...I'm giving it one last shot at the carbon-based approach before I totally sell out, cause guess why? I like my pain straight, no chaser, no middleman. And also, I am a total idiot.) Anyway, some of my profiles mention photography, because they are RELATED TO PHOTOGRAPHY, and my general location...but to tell the truth, I have no idea what they are because I have the attention span of something that has the shortest possible attention span. But of course, since it was an "effortless search," well, it must have been that billboard I recently had placed alongside the Baltimore beltway.

I also rarely use my main e-mail for these sorts of things, because most of the mail they generate can easily languish amongst the "nervesexcellMiami" and "You may be a winner" and all that other spam crap that sits there until I hit "check all" and "delete" in that most freeing of modern-day activities. So I don't know exactly where this person broke through the third wall, but here are the answers to the questions:

*Airfare from my hood to Towson is approximately $3400, mostly because you have to rent a two-seater plane and take off from the Giant parking lot, and that gets pricey. I'd like this reimbursed upfront, in cash. Particularly after that distressing mixup yesterday with Capital One, I could really use it soon.

*And that adjacent room in IL, oh, I mean, MD, is just not going to work. Nobody puts baby in the adjacent room. Rhetorically speaking, are you drunk? You can end up in some four-star joint in Beijing (cause I'm sure that's how that went down...Sike.) and I get a half-double in Towson? What? Nobody puts baby by the fair grounds, either, for that matter. It's all about higher ground in the '06, yo. Screw that.

*I cannot "render services" for someone who capitalizes "Birthday Party." Clearly this is where our paths diverge.

*Tommy Tutone (oh my God, did he die? Let me stop this party for one, at which I'm having an IMMENSELY good time, by the way, for a sec to wonder aloud if that's true and perhaps Google it. Dude, he's totally alive, if you count working as a software engineer in southern Cali as being, well, "alive." Just kidding. And also, you can get a new- as new as the last update on this site, anyway - acoustic version of "Jenny" on a new record called "80s Hits Stripped." See how much you learn from my attention deficit breaks? See?!?) well, Tommy Tutone would like his telephone number back.

So weird. And if I have to change my e-mail again, I'm going to be such an unhappy girl.

Comments

[Killer B]

This is so funny, but I'm so tired it's confusing. Or maybe you finally lost it today. Shit.

[laurie]

I love you for even trying to understand it, as you know I've been a little bit...round the bend lately. ; ) It also doesn't help that the Typepad formatting took out all the spaces between paragraphs (which it often does when I copy and paste from an email or the web), so the random comments kept running together.

It also helps if you know where Towson is, which few people do.