LaurieWrites

C&O Kayaking Challenge

Watch me learn how to do a new thing! So maybe it doesn't count as an EXTREME SPORT for YOU. Whatever.

 

(And yeah, I'm a little bit proud of the fact that not only did I remain in the kayak the entire time without falling out or really even getting that wet, but I was also able to take pictures while attempting to paddle. Not bad, I guess, considering I've heretofore only paddled around in my bathtub, the recesses of my mind, and the occasional standing water in a swimming pool. Oh, and I guess the ocean...but never with an oar. ; ))

Woody Allen said it about relationships, but I think it's true for all of us as individuals too: We're like sharks. We either keep moving forward (and out of the comfort zone) or we die.

If there's one thing I can do, I can go to a concert. If concert-going was a skill, I would be one of the most revered people in all the land. Too bad it's really not valued that highly, (except by my peeps who are already down ; )), but I guess I can keep my vanity tucked away in a small corner of my heart and mind for moments when I'm down and blue.

That said, there are moments in life - as few and fucking far between as they may be - where we believe that we are absolutely where we are supposed to be. Since I unwittingly lost my center in the great weird emotional storm of '05, I haven't had many of them. I don't know so much where I am sometimes, because mostly I stay in motion. Thinking sucks, and I do whatever I can to avoid it, unless I need to produce something at work, which is often. It's sad to admit this, but I'm so alarmingly self aware, and actually pretty frightfully honest too, so it must be said. I'm kinda fucked up (and swearing alot! Look!Go me! Can you believe I have a high-level vocabulary that occasionally makes people stare at me quizzically? Me either!!!!) most days, more often than not, in spite of a hard-won ability to function at a pretty high level regardless of this general state of disarray. So when I can find moments of joy...contentment, even...maybe even pure entertainment...I'm so, so good, and so, so happy.

I had several of those moments while attending what was not for me just a high-priced all-day rock concert on Saturday, and herewith I will categorize them for you:

*Watching The Raconteurs covering "Bang Bang (my baby shot me down)" was one of the best single-song concert experiences I've ever had. I completely dug their show in general, as they're a group of really talented musicians who also have a badass rock-n-roll vibe, and what more can I ask than that, really? Jack White is a powerful performer and not to mention for some reason he's become this hot man - everything cliche that somehow made sense, and crystallized for me why a guy with a guitar and an attitude of some sort was my drug of choice (and oh shut up! still would be if I let it!) for so, so long. I don't know enough about the other guys, yet, but I bought the cd and I want to see them live again, now. I felt like...I don't know...not quite Soundgarden at Lollapalooza because that kind of thing - and Chris Cornell, and Lollapalooza 1993, clearly - only happens once in THIS lifetime, but maybe close? Maybe. A walked out behind these dudes who were yelling, "THAT WAS WORTH MY HUNDRED DOLLARS, right THERE," and I had to admit that was so.

*Running into my old friend Bruno on his way out of the Raconteurs crowd while I was still totally into it. He kissed me on the cheek and moved along, and I was no longer the oldest person I knew at the show.; )

*Calling my friend and leaving a message while I was putting vinegar on my French fries right before trekking over to see The Who: "Hello. I'm calling you because I'm tempted to do something potentially self-destructive regarding a man and you exist in my life to prevent these things from happening." And a girl probably about my age, who was also tossing Old Bay on her fries, looked at me and after a moment of hesitation said, "DO IT! Just DO IT! Have some FUN, girl. Have FUN!" I love those exchanges.

*Squishing my way up almost to the front to watch the Killers - who I lovelovelove in an embarrassing way, and whose album I never get sick of, and who you should go listen to with the windows down on these nice fall days RIGHT NOW - and ending up smack in the middle of a pretty chill, pretty nice group of people. I saw them play in Las Vegas last year, at the Hard Rock Cafe/Casino/Hotel, and they put on an awesome show. I'm serious about this whole day Saturday - there was not a shitty show in the bunch, and I managed to see a bit of most of them, which was nice.

Anyway, I was hanging out with my big grandma purse (need space even for disposable cameras, yes?) and I was actually in a place where some crowd-surfing was happening, when a sweet girl who reminded me of my ex's sister looked at me and said, "Oh wow! Are you going up?" And I laughed, cause she really thought I was...And I actually think I may have if I didn't have the big old tote bag, because it was that kind of day. So I said, "No, really...have you ever?" And she said, "NO! I haven't!" And I said, "You have to, because I wish I had, and I still plan to before I get too old." And she looked me dead in the face, in the middle of this packed crowd of people, with one of my favorite bands playing in the background, and said, "You! My! Friend! Are! A! Spring! Chicken! and WE are BOTH going up!."

I got jostled away minutes later, probably during "All These Things That I've Done," which functions as a de facto anthem in my life, truth be told...and I didn't see her again. But in that moment, we were there. Totally there. I hope she went up.

*Realizing I may not have looked much worse with my shirt off than the skinny girl who whipped out her boobs during "Won't Get Fooled Again." The only - and profoundly - sad part of that song was realizing that indeed, we had been.

*I made it way down front for the Chilis. Anthony Kiedis, as had been mentioned in this space previously, is my pretend boyfriend. I can't believe how amazing they still are live, but considering Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend still sounded pretty good, I guess 15-20 years ain't so bad. They're probably in my top-5 bands of all time, and right up there with Metallica, Elton John, the Indigo Girls, and Barenaked Ladies (welcome to MY musical schizophrenia! It all makes sense to ME!) for my favorite live shows, all for distinctly different reasons, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Here are my favorite quotes that I wrote down:

* A young guy to his female companion: "When you walk in, it's like we're gonna have a more...fun...night, because...well, just cause you're there."

Walking by, I stopped myself from saying, "MARRY HER! ARE YOU 17? I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!! BECAUSE  THAT'S THE KEY! DON'T OVERTHINK IT!" But that's why the term "crazies" exist.

*"I'm the most odd mother fucker I know. Seriously."

*"I don't know, dude, it's just too MUCH! There's like all these BANDS." "Shut up. It's good exercise." 

Any my favorite tshirt of the day, besides "I don't smoke crack; I lick it"?:  "It ain't gonna lick ITSELF!" A-MEN!

Pictures to follow, cause I'm all obedient and didn't bring my digital Rebel, although I should have. I had an amazing time. And I heart the Chili Peppers. And also the Killers. And also Jack White. The end, for now.

Superior

"Ambition is what keeps you moving/When your heart wants to pull you back home/You gotta run... when God makes you an offer/You gotta go...if someone shows you how to go/But when I wake, it takes a minute to remember/Why - it's so quiet and still/Sometimes I can't tell one thing from the other/Your voice from the ringing of those bells."

This is turning out to be a weird season. I'm not sure I like it yet, but I'm hopeful. If I didn't have that going for me I'd be tempted to build a treehouse and stay there at this point.

TIACD

Things I'm currently digging (this may or may not be a recurring topic):

*Makeup. I'm in some sort of girly mode. I bought the Pluto eyeshadow off of Ebay, because it was green and brown, and came in a little Pluto-shaped case. I think that was supposed to be Pluto-shaped, anyway. I never took astronomy, and the only reason I can identify Saturn, and indeed have the planet tattooed on my body, is because of the domination of the rings. Anyway, yes...makeup. Go figure.

*Communicating with a man who doesn't immediately elicit either of the following responses: a: "Gross." b: "And just how will dating you fuck up my life?" This is huge, people.

*(TMI, sorry...) Not worrying about being clothed, because my "roommates" were away for a WEEK. God, I miss wearing what - if anything - I want in my place.

*Austin men. My God. How are there so many attractive men in one town? My friend kept saying, "Are there not this many attractive men at home? Really?" And I was like, "No. There definitely aren't." Just sayin'.

*Working out again...it feels good. I've had the energy of a tree sloth where exercise is concerned for the past year, so this semester I'm taking a weight lifting class and another aerobic-type thing. Feels good - honestly - to be back in the groove.

*My new guitar teacher. He's very cool. I might actually learn something from him. And I have two new brand-new Austin guitar picks, which should provide some good mojo, I hope. Orange and green! Rock!

*The Office. Watch it. The premiere may have been the single most entertaining half hour of television I've ever seen. Sooooo funny. (And honorable mention to the return of ER also, as there is not a more lovely man on the tv than Goran Visjnic/Dr. Luka. Ahhhhhhhhh. I love him. I mean, really...like real love. Seriously. But why did they make Abby have a hysterectomy? Why did they put me in a situation of having an emotional breakdown on the first episode back! WHY??? Why do I continue to watch this show when they screw with my emotions like that? Beats me.)

*Garbanzo beans. I've been eating can after can of them...embellished with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, of course. And perhaps some mushrooms, if they're in the house? And black olives? And maybe even a caper or two? Hmm...how many condiments can one little bean withstand? Lovin' 'em, anyway, for some reason.

*And rose wine goes really well with garbanzos. Not that white zin stuff, honestly...rose actually isn't so bad if you buy the right kind, and I got a recommendation which just happens to go really well with a thrown-together dinner of garbanzo salad, with a dark chocolate Dove bar for dessert! Wanna come over? ; ) (And you wonder why it's a good thing the exercise is kicking in again!)

iLaurie

My iLife class started two weeks ago. It's okay so far. I don't love it, and usually I can tell by the second date if there's ANY chance in hell of that, so I'm trying to work through that particular angst that only I can bring to a simple software class.

First of all, it is the Cocoon of classes. Like the movie? Yeah, approximately ten senior citizens were beamed down from the spaceship to take this course. The sight of this many gray-haired Mac geeks is giving me a glimpse into my future that I'm apparently just not ready for. One lady who appears to be in her late 70s/early 80s, whose name rhymes with "furnace," that's all I'm sayin', is down with all of the new gear. She's all, "1 Gig? Ha!" when the teacher says something, and yet she looks like my grandma when she used to get dressed up in her best duds to go to Bingo. On the one hand I like it, because hey...I'm the last person to be ageist (I was a social worker working with seniors for years, and I'm down with the over 70 set, trust me), and why shouldn't older adults be a part of the revolution too? But on the other hand, and this is terrible, she annoys me. Her voice is annoying. She sounds like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. Imagine every word sounding like his affected pronunciation of"Shweetheaht", except for in a woman's voice, and followed by a sly little grin and a weird little laugh. It's so odd! That's shallow of me, but I can't help it. It grates, and for some reason I'm very sensitive to voices. There are singing voices, for instance, of very popular performers, that just tweak me for some reason and I can't even stand to hear them. I know. Freak.

She's also quite self-righteous about her Mac Mommy status, and shakes her head while she's unloading her stories about her gear, like "I know, please don't hate me because I have the BETA version of blahblahblah." I didn't think that kind of geek oneupmanship was possible in anyone who was alive in aught-12, so it's kind of intriguing. Plus she's got the disposable income to equip herself with the entire Apple store inventory, so "Ha," she says again. The people who took my last photo class were the same way: "Oh, I'll just go home and print this out on my SuperMegaMan 50,000 printer with the most excellent resolution available at the PROSUMER LEVEL", and they would, and I'd spend my scant two hours in the darkroom, coming out with a muddy shot of a building to show for it. Ergo, my print would kind of suck, and theirs would have that tinny glow of perfection that only Photoshop and a high end printer can provide. Never mind that it was a PRINT PHOTO CLASS, because my professor was of their peer group, and wasn't about to argue with them about the TINY matter of it being a black and white FILM course, especially swayed as he was by their outstanding equipment. I took solace in the LEARNING PROCESS that I was experiencing. Right. And then I told him how bogus and unbalanced I thought it was, and he ignored me, which only served to remind me how often unproductive it is to argue with The Man.

God, where did that rant come from? That appears to have been pent up for a while. No wonder I eat too much chocolate. ANYway...Part of not being ageist (and this sounds bad, I guess) is that I do not think all old people or all children are sweet, just like I don't think all people my age are sweet. People are people, regardless of age, and some of them I like and some of them I don't, which is exactly their perspective on me, so it's all good.

For instance, R., the Mac "genius", who is assigned to our class...I'm not fond of him either. I think he's really, incredibly rude, and I don't understand people who go into a social and especially a professional situation where they aren't the boss and ACT OUT. This man cannot handle a question without sighing or scowling or somehow nonverbally implying his relative greatness. He's ostensibly there to provide "technical support," and yet gets exasperated by the slightest question. As he stalked around the lab self-importantly and crankily scanning the bar codes on the mac.com accounts so the students could see them, I waited for a break in his action to ask him a simple question about how to proceed through the actually pretty altogether simple mac.com set up. He was all, "I am not here to answer PROCESS questions. I won't steal the PROFESSOR'S thunder!" So I said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't sure of your FUNCTION here. Now that I understand it's simply to take up space and collect a paycheck and act important for no reason it's cool." I'm there to learn something, not to spar with anyone, and why, oh why must people bring the attitude in so many no-attitude-required situations? Universal health care AND anger management for everyone! Posthaste!

So I figured it out without him anyway, which is no big surprise. Trust thyself, the spirits say, and it's proven time and time again. And not a man, clearly, who seems to need to remind a room full of senior citizen computer geeks, and me, and a couple of other people, that he uses similar passwords "like, on, haha, swing dance and DATING websites," to make it easier. Whatever.

So anyway, enough of them. I'm going to keep showing up and I'm going to ignore them and I'm going to learn how to make a MOVIE. And a podcast, maybe...and a song? Who knows. I'm iLaurie now, because all the other account names I wanted were taken, and iLaurie, as f'ing incredibly stupid as it is, makes me laugh. And why not? Everything else has an "i" slapped on the front of it. I'll just consider it ironic commentary on THAT little marketing scheme. Maybe Steve Jobs would pay me if I actually legally changed my name.

I'm becoming a bigger idiot by the day, and you know what? I'm embracing it. You heard me. I'm giving it a big, fat hug, because why not? WHY? NOT? At least I don't pretend to be a genius.

Pictures

The Austin and nature retreat sets are up on flickr.

Do not deprive yourself of the opportunity to see pig cupcakes, lots of neon, and Audrey Tatou's head painted on the side of a building. Just don't.

Actual one-sided conversation with my dog

Him: (Expression that conveys...) "How can you leave me? Again?"

Me: "I know a place where you can get away. It's called a dance floor. And here's what it's for."

Him: (Expression that conveys...) "I am completely unimpressed."

Me: "What are you looking at? Vogue."

Beauty's totally where you find it. 

Musical Happiness, Part two

I'm so forgetful! One of the reasons I wanted to write the post below was because of this lady, who has a show tonight, and another one at the National Museum of the American Indian with Carlos Nakai in October. Check her out. She's so cool.

And no, I still haven't thought of a better term.

I thank the Lord for the people I have found

This sounds really dorky in my head, but I am so full of musical happiness today. God, I know! What does it do to my cynically ironic street cred (and not to mention my writing skill? That might be the more important question) that I can honestly not come up with a better term? Which one is real? It's actually likely a collusion of fact and fiction...too complicated to determine at this point.

But anyway, that's the deal, so I thought I'd collect it here...some stuff I've been meaning to share since I got back but being unconscious has been a priority for the past 48 hours. I watched Ellen this morning because I cashed in a couple hours of off time to stay home and catch up (a funny concept - catching up. I'm so far behind in every aspect of my daily existence that the term is meaningless.) So I watched Ellen, which I never do, and wouldn't you know it - Elton John, on again, to shill for the new record, but also to sing, twice, and that's a great way for me to start the day. He was on the Tonight Show last night too. I was getting ready for bed and saw him and sat down and watched him play the new single, and of course I cry every time I watch him play. I'd find it pathetic if if it weren't so genuine, and not stupid, weepy tears...It's an odd, odd relationship I have with this man I've never met. I admire him so much because he seems really real - besides the fact that there's something in his presence and his and Bernie Taupin's songs, and the way he continues to turn out great music that changes and flows much the same any human life does...This new record is an autobiographical continuation of "Captain Fantastic", he says, and whereas that was a rumination on failure, this is the same on success. It should be interesting. He's just a very important musical force in my life and every time, it amazes me. (Rainn Wilson from The Office was on Ellen today too - so it was my fairy godmother reminding me to turn on the tv this morning, which I rarely do anymore.)

I should give this next lady her own post, but I want to cut to the chase and write her down now. I'd say that Janis Joplin is alive and well and living in Austin, if I didn't feel so weird about comparing Carolyn Wonderland to anyone else. She is the single most impressive live performer I've seen in recent memory. I caught her show at a small pub in Austin, and if the roof could blow off from the sheer power of music, it would be because of her. She mostly tours in Texas, but if I were you, and I'm not, but you are...and maybe you like good music? Maybe you like blues? Rock? Women who play the guitar and make you think, "Who SAYS there are no good female guitar players? WHO SAYS THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE?" If that's you, you should check her out, and if it's not, you also should, so you can be a believer too. There aren't a lot of streams or free downloads on her main page or on the myspace, but that's fine, because I have no problem paying for talent like this. (I'm ordering everything, because she was out of cds at the show I went to...so if you're interested and don't want to or can't afford to buy the cds, give me a shout and I'll share. It also helps a lot if you know me. ; ) ) 

I'm also excited to pick up the new BNL cd (I got tickets! Good seats!) and (shut up) Lionel Richie today, and it's only a few more lonely days until my date with my valentine and my other boyfriends, so this fall is working out very nicely on the music front. I'll live with however lame "musical happiness" sounds for the time being, I guess, because it's probably the only true thing. Maybe I'll come up with something more edgy while I'm driving to work...Any ideas, please shoot 'em my way. Cred isn't everything but if any more goes out the window I'm going to have to find a new crew to roll with.

Really. Please.

Finally back from Austin, and I am bone tired. Flight delays were nervewracking, turbulence can kiss my ass, and the dog sitter never came the whole day yesterday, although he was scheduled to. This means my dog was alone overnight Saturday and throughout the day Sunday, which makes me feel so guilty. This guy has never been anything less than exceedingly reliable, to the extent that he leaves detailed notes about what went on, which is usually a whole lot of nothing. So I don't know what happened, but I came in at 1:30 this morning and his check was still here and nothing had been touched.  I only found one spot where Punkin went in the house, so that's pretty good, but also terrible because it means he held it for a preternaturally long time. Poor guy. He's way too old to deal with shit like that.

On another note, I feel unsettled this morning (separate from the exhaustion), and I wonder why it is that sometimes it feels so terrible to do the things you must do to stay sane? Or to do and say the things you think you're supposed to do or to act the way you think you're supposed to act, based upon environmental screening and history and intuition and what people tell you (or not) and all that noise (or loud silence)? It's so easy to go from feeling so fine one minute to feeling so empty the next when I let myself get stuck in old, useless patterns...when I start seeing myself through other eyes, mostly. I think I'm doing quite well, but it's so easy to backslide. I want to feel FULL again, as opposed to the alternative, which sucks. I try really hard not to give my sense of wellbeing over to anyone - in particular my sense of...centeredness, or whatever that state of "generalized not freaking out" is called. I don't think I do too much to bust up anyone's groove. I try not to, anyway. I just go about my business. I've let go of SO much. I've gotten SO good at forgetting that I really don't consciously remember a lot of things that used to bring me joy and pain, one inextricable from the other, unfortunately. On some level, I want props for that (; )) even if the props are just cutting me a break and leaving me the hell alone to be how I want to be. That's what I've chosen to do with most other people at this point, as loving as I am, through and through. And sometimes it means that I'm not as flexible as I used to be, with my opinions or with my participation. There are definitely walls - constructed purposefully, if mostly subconsciously. I have gone above and beyond in so many ways to my own detriment that I'm much choosier these days. And in some cases that's hard for people - myself included - to deal with, but that goes under the category of "too bad". I don't think I'll ever be less than discriminating again. I think I'll always second guess, just because at this age the road that stretches behind me has been instructive on many levels. And it's not bad stuff. It's important stuff. It's stuff that keeps me from making the same mistakes over and over again, because the alternative is too threatening.

I'm thinking today that maybe when situations aren't based in honesty (or maybe just when they've long outlived their shelf life), they're doomed to be draining and uncomfortable. I can't be fake without getting exhausted and cranky, and I can't be in a good and productive relationship or friendship without being myself and saying what I think. I can't turn things on a dime. I can't unmake situations into less or profoundly different than they were, just because I feel like it. Or maybe I just have a problem. Maybe I'm Gnarls Barkley-style crazy. Don't know. I'd just like to get myself to a point where I'm not so...impressionable, maybe - where I just say "Whatever," and mean it. I'm not to that point yet and it frustrates me. But more than that, I think I just want someone to get it.

Today's going to be rough, I can tell. I really need some flowers, and perhaps twelve hours of better sleep than I'm capable of, and a decent meal, and chill people. Oh, and a hit man for my dog sitter. Fucker.