Today I was hurt, although I felt beyond it. And today I learned something - again. Please wish for me that the clarity I'm feeling - the absolute "you've fucked with me for the last time and I don't even like you anymore" clarity - sticks. Thank God Natalie stopped by tonight. Otherwise I'd still be feeling like even more of a lameass schmuck.
"Well I fought with a stranger and I met myself/I opened my mouth and I heard myself/It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself/Guess I could have made it easier on myself/But I/I could never follow/No I/I could never follow"
I used to be such an idealist, and I want to maintain that sense of wonder, but it's so much harder these days. It scares me to say these words, but I think I've given up a bit on dreams. Either that or I don't trust mine anymore because they always end up hurting in the long run. I want to approach people with the same openness and even a tiny bit of trust, but it's hard. I want to be able to always tell the truth, but I'm afraid. I can't reach through the strangeness. It's like bright lights through fog - it only reflects and blinds. The empty spaces are the hardest - and clearly the first cut was not the deepest.
List your grievances on your bathroom mirror. Everytime you see it, think about how you deserve better than that. It's what keeps me from backsliding every time.
Posted by: lauren | September 02, 2006 at 09:20 AM
Haven't talked to you in a while. Think of you often though. Most people tend to be insensitive, but I'm not saying anything you don't know already. I love this stupid AA phrase and I finally saw it displayed in public at the Exxon on Georgia Ave near Snider's...HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE.
Posted by: Jen | September 02, 2006 at 10:57 AM
Yeah, where are you? ; )
Posted by: laurie | September 02, 2006 at 01:55 PM
Wow, Jen just made my whole life make sense. Whoever you are, Jen, you rock. But not as much as Laurie. Sorry :)
Posted by: Killer B | September 06, 2006 at 10:17 PM