Spam Hits the Spot

There's so much I could talk about but I've got too much going on to really focus. I hate when that happens.

Here's a tiny sampling of my favorite subject lines from the RIDICULOUS amount of spam I've been getting in my e-mail since the virus from hell invaded a couple of weeks ago. I find some of these way more funny than I ought to, but....well...whatever.

By the way, while trying to remind myself of a nifty Spam (imagine annoying trademark doohickey here) slogan, I learned the amazing fact that people who live in Hawaii are the nation's most excessive consumers of this stuff. Why, Hawaii, why? I do love the line, "Whether you actually eat it, or store it for emergencies," though. I cannot imagine an emergency short of being trapped somewhere for days with no other rations that would drive me to this action. But I guess I should shut up because I am not at ALL buying trouble, hear me Universe? No tests of what would drive me to Spam consumption, kay?

Now here's some newfangled Spam, the kind that doesn't come in a can:

*"Upgrade your penis."

Really! Really? How does one accomplish THAT feat? Feed it Godiva chocolate and buy it a fur coat? Add an external hard drive? BAHAHA! Upgrade your penis. What a world. Okay, I did not intend to add commentary. That just sort of happened. Back to the subject lines.

*"Skorr a trip to the SuperBowl"
*"Undeliverable: Eighteen Filet Mignon"
*"And trust me, if you're humanity's last hope against the Decepticons, you don't want to be carrying extra weight"

The Decepticons require excessively long spam subject lines, apparently.

*"The Guy I'm About to Mention Played in the 'Best Rock 'n Roll Band of All TIme'".

Really, really doubtful.

*"She Will Die From Desire When She Smells UltraAllure Pheromones on You"

This includes the awesomEST content of an email ever: "Tired of screwing HORES because the normal women won't sleep with you? With our Ultra Allure Pheromones you can get the sexiest chick in the world. You think there is nothing special about your friend, but he is always surrounded by the prettiest women. Maybe he is using Ultra Allure Pheromones." Or maybe he just knows to put the "W" in "Whore" where it belongs, you ass. I know that's a sure path to my love and affection, right up there with being called "normal". Thank God. (And now I'm going to get some sweet Google hits, for sure.)

The next six came in quick succession, apparently competing for band name titles. I'm a fan of the first option, actually.

*Advisable Beige
*Beltway Indifferent
*Tumor Headmaster
*Accordion Autobiographical
*Fellowship Bootstraps
*Postdate Hearing Aid (So you can hear your disgusted, over-it-all utterances and the mocking of your friends amplified I suppose. Neat.)

Then we went back to the sad, sad truth:

*"Do You Want Your Dick Be Even More Attractive Than Your Face?"

I am just saying, if that's the case, I am so sorry.

Comments

[marit]

Upgrade your penis? hahaahah!

[Patsy Terrell]

This is one of the funnier lines I've read in awhile.

"Or maybe he just knows to put the "W" in "Whore" where it belongs, you ass."

I was just writing about "third places" yesterday. Odd! Great minds think alike. I haven't posted it yet but I was... uhhhh... "musing" shall we say, on the topic.