So I got some good news yesterday, which will require a decision to be made, or a series of them, rather. And I'd been having a pretty crappy run of the previous few days, and not feeling so accomplished at all, so it was nice to get news that included the words "accomplishment" and "achievement", because it seems to have been awhile since that's happened at all.
For the first time in a long time I also wanted to talk to someone and share this almost immediately, and was a little freaked out by how hard that seemd to be. The first person I wanted - oddly - to tell I really couldn't because it would have been awkward. I just don't know how to navigate that exchange anymore. It might be because I'm weak on that level, as has recently been pointed out to me, and maybe that's true - although I don't FEEL weak in the day-to-day anymore. It's probably just a terminally wacked situation. I think it's mostly because I'm at a place where as much as I just want to act on my impulses and say and do what I think and feel, I perpetually self-edit. I go through the conversation in my head, or what I imagine it would be based on so many prior conversations, and I give up on the notion of attempting it in real life by the time I've got it halfway over in my head. It isn't natural, and unnatural communication is one of my least favorite things in the world. If I'm not saying what I'm really thinking or feeling, I should shut the hell up, because it never goes well at all if I don't.
I think the term "blue balls" is so ugly, but it's what keeps popping into my head when this issue does. It's sort of like the emotional version. You feel things and want to say things but you know you can't so they get stopped up. You know, have you ever said "I miss you" or God forbid "I love you" to the air because it makes no sense to say it to a human being anymore? Or have you wanted to say it or just felt it popping out of your mouth or your fingers way past the expiration date or with no provocation so you didn't but you just choke inside on it, to be perfectly melodramatic? It's a terrible feeling. Anyway, whereas my communication with this person has never ever been stale, it's not natural anymore, and I don't like forcing, so no go. It was a really unexpectedly and disappointingly sad moment.
So I told the next person I thought of, and that turned out to be pretty cool. He was so great and supportive and everything a friend should be, and that made me feel better. And that was really that. My need to tell was met. This was good because a couple of people who I thought might be interested weren't, so much, and that hurt my feelings, which are clearly running for president of the Sensitive Student Government this week. And yes this feels weird to write about in vague, pronounian terms, because I hate it when people do that, and really to write about at all, but I'm honestly trying to make SOME kind of point, maybe just to myself. This will therefore be my loser post for the month if nothing else.
So yes, hello Internet, this is all to say that I was a little off kilter yesterday in spite of feeling accomplished and...achieved? Actually it was so before I had reason to think those things, and so it remains. I've been a little weird since I got back from Texas, some kind of existential oddness running through my veins that I haven't had to deal with for months. And then all of a sudden today I ended up sitting at my desk with fucking tears coming out of my stubborn little eyes, and I have no idea where they're coming from. I don't have time for it, and I've been thinking I've got it under control. I've been thinking I've got a lot under control. Yesterday, before my achieved accomplishment came to light, I was still nursing the foot I wrecked this weekend (avoid dropping heavy electronic equipment on your foot, that's all I'm saying), avoiding the profound need to get up to speed in my view camera class, and therefore dragged myself to my recent drug of choice - the movies. And on the way, I heard a Lionel Richie song in the car and started crying in the middle of that, and actually said aloud, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" And then I saw "The Namesake", which I thought was beautiful and heartbreaking, and sat there and cried through that too. PMS is over, so there is no excuse but some random intarsia of a blue mood woven through my recent days - and the fact that the movie was really sad in some places, really.
I'm so glad it's almost spring - tomorrow! - because I'm going to fully embrace it. I love the change in the air, the seasonal and the personal variety, and I guess there's nothing to do but ride it out. I guess it's time to do that, and it's not like I haven't walked through odd times of transition before. I'm still pretty nervous though, with not much of anywhere to put it, so I'm going to go buy the new Anne Lamott book now with the fat Barnes & Noble coupon I got in the email. And then I'm going to New York tomorrow to podcast for Blogher, so I think what I'm going to do when I get there is go get a sandwich from the Peanut Butter Company, and sit in Washington Square Park, and meditate on all of this. And maybe by the time I come back on Friday my next step will be a little clearer.
And what's so sad and perhaps is making me cry (although it embarrasses and angers me even when I'm alone) is that I really think it comes down to that I want someone to tell news to first again, to know without questioning who they are and that they'll want to hear it. In the movie yesterday, one of the characters said that if you can think back to when you were content, really content, then that is a nice place to aspire to be again. And I was content when I knew that. I would like to know again. And as much as it feels like a major surrender and oh wow how much do I hate those, I'm finally willing to admit - with the caveat that maybe it'll be different tomorrow, and that I know I can't do anything to change it - that I miss it.
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