Little People My World

I was in the middle of writing a very emotive post about a concept called "that thing", but I think I'll stop and just tell you to read this, because Mimi Smartypants kicks ass.

Also, my life is full of babies, lately. I'm a little melancholy about it, to be honest, although mostly I'm so happy, because I love little people. I babysat for my goddaughter and her brother this weekend. She is so cute it should be illegal, and he is a ton of fun in that "I'm four and doing every possible thing within a mile radius to assert myself and you need to watch me" sort of way, It was a very happy day. Then today one of my favorite co-workers came into my office carrying her daughter, who just turned a year old, and wanted to talk about this project we're working on. And it was so much better and infinitely more satisfying to talk about this project while I was patting a little girl on the back (although she had conjunctivitis too, eesh) and stroking her hair and talking to her, while at the same time talking to her mom. We talked in very chilled out fashion about how I sure do want a child, both emotionally and intellectually (so it's not just that hormonally driven "MUST HAVE BABY NOW" thing that genuinely hits women. I can actually tell you why.) This woman is one of the sanest people I know, and seemed to understand my thoughts on the matter like few people I've spoken to about it (and I've spoken to a VERY few, for a variety of reasons). And we also talked about how I don't have any inclination to do this monumental act of parenting alone, because I just don't have the temperament for it and really do believe that I would need a partner to do my best at it. I watch my single friends who have children and admire their tenacity, but I don't think I could do it on my own. If I had to, I would, of course, but given the choice, no.

And therefore, the people who tell me not to worry about this because of medical advances and I can freeze my eggs? And the people who tell me to just do it on my own, cause I'll be sorry if I don't? Especially people who have never frozen their eggs, who do not have eggs to freeze, and who haven't done it on their own?

Yeah. It's best not to say those things.

I'll be on the other side of an age this year that will make it that much harder to produce a child, so I'm in no sort of denial about my situation. I know the odds are pretty slim. I haven't delayed it, as the media is fond of suggesting, for a "high powered career" or because I'm selfish and don't want to be responsible for another human being. My life situation has just not come together in such a way that it supports the creation or care of another human being. And as much as that does honestly bum me out when I'm completely honest about it, it's just the way it is. I can't go back and undo anything, or do it differently. I didn't have the information I had then to make better decisions, or not to waste my time, or to try to send out stronger subliminal signals to attract more manly men.

It just didn't happen. But it's so good to be with these babies, anyway - just so I don't feel totally at sea in a world of grown-ups. I'm much happier when the entire spectrum is represented. We also went to the playground and Andrew pretended it was his castle and he was the king, and Kelsey and I went down the slide a few times, with me managing not to crush her or otherwise upset her. It's good to play with stuffed horses and make-believe castles, to answer unanswerable questions and pick up a newly walking baby when she falls and brush the dirt off her butt. I wish I had photos of Kelsey trying to walk, because she's just figuring out what her legs are for and how they work and what their limits are. She gets around pretty well - doesn't need to be carried, although she likes it, oh yes she does. But I'll be honest, if someone was willing to carry me around, I might be pretty okay with it, too.

It was fun.

Comments

[Pamela Jeanne]

Thanks for this post. So many of the posts on childlessness deal with the biological factors but there are many single women (and men) who also have a desire for children but don't get there on their own. It's fascinating to observe how smug those with children can be at times, as though they're somehow superior. The only thing that separates us is timing and some reproductive organs that functioned properly. There's a great post on this from a now single, infertile women in South Africa: http://uponawakening.blogspot.com/
2007/04/undergraduates-in-school-
of-life-ha.html#links

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