Posts I hate writing

I am so pissed.

This was supposed to be my Blogher post. I've been back for two days and immediately got sucked into the hell of an extremely busy work schedule (HEH-ROOOOOOOO, John Cusack, wherefore art thou, to save me from this hell?), so I've been uploading pictures in tiny groups - totally unsatisfying. Tonight was supposed to be my catch-up night, but it got all wrecked, and now here I am crying honest to God real tears into my keyboard for the first time in months, because I am a nasty ass bitch, on the one hand, but on the other hand I remain heartbroken that people who used to get it just don't. That people who I used to trust, I don't. Is that too much to ask? HUH??? I'm so, so tired. So, so frustrated. It sounds so terrible to say, and I feel like the worst person in the world which is a result of "my Catholic guilt" (that I don't feel), according to some of my nearest and dearest. But I'm tired of taking care of people and answering a million questions and making everything okay. I don't know how to make anything okay, and that is my religion, as it were - making things okay, for you and you and you. And also you, just in case I need extra karma.

I am not just a chat name. I am a person. A person with a history that does not always bear repeating. Sometimes I just need a fucking HUG. Where in the hell is DEB ROBY when I need her???

There was family stuff today, part eleventy seven million, and it sucks. I don't like it. I came back from Chicago (Blogher! Haven't joined the rest of the world in writing about BLOGHER. What the fuck is wrong with me?) on Monday, and was all, just, FULL. Full of this sweetness of connection with lots of people who get it. I know at this event, like no other, that I'm in the right place. People recognized me from my writing, which was all surreal and lovely and kind of frightening at the same time. I felt like I had a....what?...a toehold in something. People would look at my nametag or my card and go, "Oh, Lauriewrites? I know you." And only slightly  because I hate the blog name, but mostly because it freaked me out, I got really nervous each time, and thought so many things simultaneously that I think my head exploded. I thought things like, "Wow, your last piece sucked. Who would read your stuff?"

I'm over this again, by the way.

I need a love ice cream sundae from the universe, right about now, people. I do. I'm blogging while angry, and frustrated, not at all drunk, but completely displeased with the outcome of a day that started really well. I guess this happens sometimes.

Comments

[joanna]

You're just transitioning back to reality after a heady time in Chicago. It's too bad that you didn't have a day in between to cushion your psyche and give you time to process everything before you came back to the workplace of many questions and your family. Cyberhugs.

[Genie]

I'm having a rough time of it myself, but for probably different reasons other than a case of Life gets in the way of all the ethereal wonder of BlogHer.

I also instantly get suspicious of anyone who said "oh, In a Bottle? I know you." and thought "I've seen my sitemeter. I have 14 readers. You don't know who the fuck I am!" But that's just me being a pill. :P

Electronic hugs to you!

[Shannon]

I get the need for a hug, and I totally get the non-catholic catholic guilt.

I hope today got better. Go get ice cream. The soft melty kind, and get it all over yourself, then make sure your sticky hands get all over the desks of people who piss you off.

[Laurie]

Joanna - My grandmother went right into the ER the second night back, caregiving issues, the whole deal...and you're right, the "many questions" bit isn't easy. Today is better. Thanks.

Genie - hugs back regarding all things bloggable and...not.

Shannon - My best friend made me dinner tonight, complete with vanilla ice cream with peach/rum sauce. I think it helped. : ) (Not averse to the "sticky hands" idea...I might try that with something else today! ; ) )