Great. Full.

So I just ran off at the mouth about how I'm thankful all the time and how I'm not into forced gaiety of any sort and how the holidays can be overwhelming but I guess because I hit one random key and lost the last 30 minutes of my life I should just shut up and move on.

I don't like being as ambivalent about holidays as I can really be lately. I would like to be more holly jolly about it all. I do love Christmas food and music, and Thanksgiving is a wonderful concept. I just like to move at my own pace, and I don't like that so much of the modern holiday ethos is about groupthink and prescribed activities and doing what you gotta do.

But that's only if you buy into it. I'm not very good at that. I dislike crowds more and more all the time. I hatehatehate traffic. I think if I were in New York...Chicago... Boston...San Francisco, a city where I was less car-dependent, it would be different. I love walking from point A to B and taking things in, stopping and buying flowers and getting a cup of coffee if you feel like it. Here it's a bit of a struggle if you live where I live, and yesterday I looked around as the mass of cars crawled from one light to another and thought, "this is a flat-out nightmare." I didn't stop to buy olives and cheese because the thought of getting into and out of on particular parking lot was exhausting.

I refuse to be a holiday hater, though. I think that's as obnoxious and unnecessary as being the person in the always-blinking reindeer sweater with the antlers on, but given the choice I'd probably rather talk to Prancer. Yes, I do think it's ridiculous that the Kohl's commercial just encouraged me to be there at 4 a.m. tomorrow, and that the Leesburg outlets open up at midnight tonight, because if there's anywhere I'm going to be at that time it's in a movie theater or on my butt on the couch watching The Sound of Music.

And of course the news coverage is stupid. The story the Post ran yesterday about what they unfortunately called "the treacherous trek" of holiday travel was unnecessarily histrionic and led to an anticlimactic update in today's paper that - GUESS WHAT?!? - everyone got where they were going! DUH! And I know tomorrow's paper will show the souls who are waiting in line at WalMart when the gates go up, getting their ticket numbers for whatever gadget is cool at the moment. What are they? Webkins? I don't even know.

But you know, I did stop by Borders on purpose last night to buy a copy of the Robert Plant/Alison Krauss cd (buy it), and a 50 percent off copy of the Stephen Colbert book for my father (my first Christmas present - the day before Thanksgiving even.) So I'm no one to talk, and if those people get off on being first in line at Target in their Santa hats, go for it. I'm not participating in "Buy nothing" day this year, because I don't know if I'll feel like buying anything or not. Actually, I think there's a top I want at Macy's that'll work really well for New Year's, and there's a coupon, so yeah. Maybe.

The thing is that this year I am so literally drowning in work that I am looking forward to this weekend break the most because it gives me the chance to wade through 300 pages of articles about nuclear weapons and US-India relations, and also write six stories and get started on three papers without having to commute between work and school and be in my required slot in whatever required room every hour on the hour. And I don't have to wear anything I don't feel like wearing, and It feels glorious. And if I could check out of my wonderful family for just this year, to get this crazy amount of work done that's due between now and December 17th, I would - except I cannot check out on my grandma.

I am lucky that I like as well as love my family. When I lived in Dayton, I never came home for Thanksgiving, because I was coming home for Christmas anyway, and two trips in that time period was too much. I usually had a good day with friends anyway, and it's nice to see how welcoming people can be. But I did spend a bittersweet half hour or so on the phone with them every year, and wish I was there, because I knew that was where I was supposed to be. There's nothing to run from here, not anymore.

As far as gratitude and thankfulness goes, I do believe that it fills me every day. Because for all the bitching and complaining, cheap one-liners and what have you, I am literally surrounded with curiosity and wonder and love and companionship and health and the word "and," apparently, in amazing ways. I am not in an oppressed place where because of my gender or class I am forced into labor or obscurity or threatened with imminent danger or violence. This happens in so many places all over the world, and just by virtue of my DNA and the geography of my birth, I could wake up today after 11 hours of badly needed sleep and sit on my ass and eat bacon while watching the Macy's parade. I can fire up this baby and tell you what I think, whether I need to or not.

We should all be thankful for basic human rights, because they're not a given for everybody, even here.

I hope that doesn't sound like preaching because it's really just the truth. Middle class American life, even at the lower end, is an embarrassment of riches to most of the world, and I know this. I know that I can always bail myself out of whatever little jam I happen to be in. I would be stupid not to be aware of the things that make my life work, and also an ungrateful little bitch, and I don't think I am.

I do think that the holidays are a lot - that is to say a lot of stuff and stress and people, and some people dig them more them others. Some people crack under the strain, or try to overcompensate for what isn't happening on the 360-something other days by making this particular one sparkle and shine til it breaks into a million tiny shards. That's a lot to ask of 24 hours, and of human beings. Sometimes I think my ambivalence comes from the fact that I don't have my own "home" yet, or a set-up where I'm in charge of traditions, so I'm kind of in limbo, still a player in my own family's routine even though it doesn't really fit anymore.

There's not a whole lot I can do about that right this minute, though.

So today...today will just roll through like all the rest. And I will of course be grateful, for these things and the countless others that pass my way. Here are a few:

*Music. I just spent 59 dollars and 37 cents that I can't spare on ten used cds, and I'm in a good place, thanks.
*My family, and my dog. 
*Pretty, if not wintry, weather
*The voice I've found online and elsewhere.
*The other people who write along with me. Speaking of them, my girl Suzanne just wrote a great post on that anti-"Ho,Ho,Ho" Santa Claus story that I sent her last week. And I love that Laura Scott is thankful for net neutrality and open source voting, among other things.
*The ability to even try to let go gracefully. 
*Learning more than I ever thought possible in a relatively short period of time, about writing and about the world. My knowledge of politics and the world was so lacking, and now that I know that I can't really stay complacent. So the ability to go back and get this new education that I put off for many, many years has been a difficult and challenging joy. It ain't been easy but I think it'll work out just fine.
*New friends and old friends. I have so many. This alone is just the best thing. 
*The fact that I didn't just fall out of my chair, although for a second there it was a real possibility.
*Art of all kinds and the people who make it.
*John Cusack. I will always, always be grateful for you. ;)
*My own ability and occasional courage to share what I make - whether it's a picture, a poem or an article - where for a long time I just...didn't.
*The power to change and make choices, even when it's hard.
*That my 6 foot something godson with the shaggy hair will hug me and I will tear up because he's this man of promise all of a sudden and it is such a powerful thing.
*That my grandmother will be here today, for one more year, and everything I could possibly learn about resilience and beating the odds and still having a sense of humor is right there in one 80-pound person. (seriously. I don't know how she's still breathing. I think it's the rosary.)
*Pumpkin pie. And pumpkin spice lattes. And toffee nut, also. Those are pretty good.
*Coffee in general. And bookstores. And bookstores with coffee.
*Learning more about the city I live in by covering it from a different angle, meeting its people and telling stories.
*Forgiveness, because without it (for myself and from other people) I'd have laid down and figuratively died a long time ago.
*Freedom...to move around, to think, to express myself, to see the world, to change my mind, to wonder and to act.

There are many things I am not grateful for, just to be clear. This season has kind of kicked my ass. I've had some difficult experiences and made some weird and dumb choices that I don't feel good about across the board, although I know it was the inevitable evidencing itself the way it does when I've prolonged it happening. I've come to realize that I've been working way too hard emotionally for way too long, was a major control freak for a variety of reasons, and the worst thing is that I didn't tell the truth about it to anyone else or to myself. I feel apologetic and unhappy for some things, things that I know are not fixable, and that are left to me to work out, which will have to be okay, one way or the other.

I can feel myself reacting to this stuff daily, changing and shifting around under the surface while I'm buying my latte, walking the eternal path from the parking lot to my classes, and driving, especially driving. I'm anxious and unsure a lot of the time, accented as it is by a lot of laughter and contentment in between. I'm making myself feel and comprehend sadness, without being embarrassed about it as I've been for so long, because I want to wring it out of me by 2008 or die trying. I don't want to prolong any more unnecessary agony.

I'll be okay. Until they take the pumpkin spice lattes totally off the menu for the year. Then I'll need to grieve for a few yours.

Jamie Lee Curtis wrote a better Thanksgiving post on HuffPo than I'm capable of today.

And finally, I like two songs, really, that say "Thank you." And there's one about gratitude or being grateful that I know I like but I can't remember who sings it! Anyway, the two I can remember are both called just "Thank You." One is by Dido, and the other, my very favorite, is by Led Zeppelin, who I wish by the way would just, like, announce a tour or NOT, because that whole debate is adding to my anxiety just a BIT.

I just learned how to upload a song to this post, (I think, haha,) so I'll share "Thank You" with you. I can't find a Dido mp3, but someone came through with Led Zep. 

Have a great holiday.

Comments

[Jerry]

Happy Thanksgiving, Laurie!!
Great post.

[Karen McCarthy]

I also love Dar Williams and pumpkin spice lattes and the promise of good and kind young men and learning and John Cusack and the power of making choices and the word "and" ... I've started using "and" where I used to use "but." It's a powerful exercise in holding differing truths together.

And I also love you, and am grateful and proud to know you.

[Zandria]

I'm totally feeling you on the traffic thing (surprise, surprise -- since we can relate to each other's geographic location and all). I put off doing things I'd like to do on a regular basis because of the amount of time I know it'll take for me to get from Point A to Point B. That's why I want to move to a more "walkable" neighborhood; so I won't have to rely on my car as much for small errands.

[roni]

I just stumbled on your blog, and definitely will keep reading. Happy weekend! Thanks for an enjoyable blog!