I have not been writing here because it hasn't felt right for awhile. I've been bouncing around for two months, no focus, overwhelmed. And this hasn't felt like the right place to dump it. I've been thinking about what to do next in bloggy land. I want to do something different. Lots of things that gave birth to this page the way it exists have moved on, stuff in my head and in real life, and I think it's time to ramble on. I have a lot of ideas, seem determined to purchase domain names to go along with them, and my friend the web designer is waiting to help me get some of them up and running. Summer will hopefully give a LITTLE bit of time for that sort of thing, but I'm not optimistic about that, given the excess of things I have to do.
Everything is so busy, everything is so packed, and I have got to make some money. I have to attend to the bare bones business of my life, because I've been distracted by the cobwebs in my brain that I simply could not seem to sweep out no matter how hard I tried. It's the trying, ironically, that causes the problems. Letting go and moving on is dirty, difficult, mentally exhausting work, until you finally throw up your hands and go "Fuck this, this is so not worth it." It's like running a perpetual internal yard sale, throwing shit out on the grass, tagging and retagging it. Occasionally someone buys some vacuum cleaner or stack of books you've been trying to get rid of for years, so it's gone and that's awesome and you really don't have to ever think of it again. But more often than not you have to restack it all because it doesn't get sold and bring it into the house again, find a place for it, again, without going crazy.
After a month starting about mid-April and moving into May of anxiety and depression so great I felt most mornings like my chest and my head were going to simultaneously explode, where it all felt like so much pathetic backsliding over imaginary pain, I've felt the waters parting just a bit. I've got some optimism back. I won't remember this spring with any great joy, to be truthful, except yesterday when I was walking back to my car from the Metro, the weather was so beautiful that I thought (and maybe even said aloud, but I admit nothing) that on this kind of day, everything seems just so perfect with the world. I got so tired of winter this year. And now that spring has been so difficult, one thing that's done is made me grab onto joy where I can, because I don't know what else to do but celebrate it for the fleeting moments that I feel it.
My sister came home on Thursday and my father graduated from community college on Friday. This was a dream deferred for him - one of the smartest people I know - who put his education on hold to raise a family and to help my sister and me realize our goals thus far. It was pretty powerful to be there and no matter how much he downplayed it I know he was proud. I will - hopefully - graduate in December from my program, and my sister will finish hers in May. So much will change next year, so much I can't wait to grab ahold of, and it's cool to have my family progressing along with me. Life just has its way with you, pretty much, but it's useful to give it some structure when you can. I sat at his ceremony crying and crying, listening to these incredibly moving student speeches, one from a guy who bounced back from college failure and addiction freshman year to get a 4.0 and be tops on his campus, another from a mom who went back to school a few years ago and says the place changed her life...it's just profoundly moving to hear and helps me understand why I've worked in higher education for the past seven years. When it clicks for people it really is life-altering.
But I know I was also emotional because of how much this work has meant to me and I don't know how it fits anymore. Angst ensues. But it's all going to be okay, and in my better moments I think it'll be better than that.
There are several shows in May and that's cool. Duran Duran and the Raconteurs are next week. We went and saw the Swell Season show in Baltimore last night. It was so good. It made me laugh and cry. Glen Hansard is so, so talented. He and Marketa Irglova and the dudes from the Frames who are touring with them now deserve every bit of this success. I was so happy I managed to score some tickets after the show sold out. It was totally worth that and the trip to Baltimore. And not just because he actually THANKED everyone there for spending their "hard earned money" on a ticket, which I pointed out to my friend I had never heard from any performer, ever. He still seems a little dazed and obviously humbled by how popular they've become over the past year. It's reassuring when quality and celebrity match up. It happens so rarely. I knew, as soon as I saw "Once" that this was something amazing and powerful, and I'm glad that the rest of the world thought so too. (And if you haven't seen it and like independent music and film, you should, really.)
I was thinking about your face
Rolling up the river
I was worried what
you thought
And I'm sorry if I can't remember
But there's no time for
crying
Only time for trying now
I remember your name
'Cause you
sang it to me often
I was lying down beside
The river where we met
And now you face is hiding something
Something is burning
And I'm gonna
wait for you
I've got to send this tape to you
And I'm gonna wait for
you
'Cause I know something about you
Something about the things you
do
Something about your voice
That reams in the good stars
It reams
in the good stars
There's a road that follows everywhere you go
I
stole your golden chaser
But I never meant to steal
Its not in my
nature
But if you try again I'll fall
And if you want to save it all
Then all you have to do is give
Give me that look again
Give me that
look
'Cause I'm gonna wait for you
I've got to send this tape to you
And I'm gonna wait for you
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