LaurieWrites: Bluest Sky

I wrote the e-mail of my life yesterday morning to the love of my life thus far. It was final and (alarmingly) sane. It involved disconnection a la the phone company coming to cut the wires and it means we'll never correspond or speak again unless I unwittingly end up in the same place he does and we are the only ones there who haven't been incapacitated and one of us needs the other one to call 911. DAMN. I hated having to do it but alas it is time and it was done on my terms and yes, oh, yes, I know it is good, although not so good when you're in it. And while I was writing it I cried, and while I was reading it over before I sent it, I cried, and afterwards I cried a little bit too, because there's nothing like crying to make me cry more, and also at that point I was exhausted from thinking and trying to make things right that couldn't be righted. Crying is apparently my body's way of releasing stress and anxiety, and as annoying as it is, thank God I can do it, because if not I'd probably eat ten Snickers bars a day and mainline moonshine to get by.

Not really.

After the crying and the sending and the mental replay of the past 24 hours to make sure I was cool with the choice I'd made, I felt okay. I may have been born at night but not last night, and I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. Time to love yourself more and whatnot. So I talked to my mother, hung out with my roommates' dog for a while, and then my roommate (who is ultimately one of the most comforting people I know, just because of the ease with which he navigates the world) and cleaned out the first layer of junk in my car, that has just been a terrible sinkhole lately. Then I went out with two of my favorite girls whose careers and lives I'll follow forever, and we had some good conversation and chicken wings. Then I dropped one of them off at a friend's house, and drove home. I sat in my favorite chair and read and took a bath and talked to another friend for a long time who I love so dearly, had some wine I'd saved just for such an occasion, and I finally went to sleep.

I've grasped onto a Martin Luther King quote lately: "unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality." It's providing me a lot of comfort now. I can safely say that in contributing to the denouement of this most long and arduous situation in my life, I've been completely honest, and awash with unconditional love. That means that I didn't want anything. There was nothing left to want. I just still felt love for this darling person, and that was fine, and I wanted desperately to leave it on those terms. I really do believe that it's hard to start something else, whether it's a meeting with a student, a romantic relationship, or a chapter in a life, without ending the previous one well. That energy carries over, and I don't want all the messed up energy associated with the worst times in this relationship. And while being open with that has KICKED MY ASS, it has also left me feeling completely okay with who I am and what I've chosen to do, and I figure that can only serve me well in the future. I said what I meant, and I meant what I said. I said I had love, I said I had pain, I said what I needed to say, with no intention or expectation of receiving anything back. And that is, I think, the first time I can say that I've done that, in the context of this most important relationship, or any one I've had that's involved a man and some romantic something or other.

This has really, really sucked, friends, but it's set me up for good stuff. I still hate being an adult though. Can't lie.

Today was recovery. Today was trying to talk myself into working through my stuff that's due for school this week, in spite of having absolutely no interest in attending to that task. And then! Good news! Tonight after I got in from walking to the gym and working out and walking back, in this kind of fragmented yet earnest attempt at training myself to work out, I called my cousin and I asked her to do the Avon breast cancer 3-day walk with me in October, and she said yes. We're going to do it together! We're going to walk for her mom, who is a survivor, and thanks to some excellent medical care after a move to North Carolina, is living some happy retirement years with my uncle down there. This was a blessing, the conversation and my cousin's immediate, "Yes. Sign me up. I'm there." She is six months younger than I am, my first and oldest friend. It made me so happy. It compounded the feeling of hope that I got from the walk to the gym, and then (don't laugh) reading the Obama coverage in Rolling Ston while I was on the stair machine that made me want to blow off school and join his campaign. It made me feel like the summer and fall and all the days after, although they'll be the requisite mix of ups and downs...that they're moving on to better things.

I just can't wait for all the beautiful things I'm going to see.

Links to Dar Williams's cover of the Kinks' "Better Things"

Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on their way.
Here's hoping that the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on their way.
It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you've just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings,
I hope tomorrow you find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.
I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone, it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.