fall

I attacked this season with a big-ass shovel. I decided I was going to take matters into my own hands to make something better and that not only didn't happen, things got exponentially worse. Now finally maybe the dust is settling some.

I'm tired, just as a state of being and of complaining but I'm not so sure what to do when the news is consistently not good. I don't know if you're supposed to expect it to get better or just to expect nothing at all...if it just means the wiring's bad or what. I don't really know. Maybe I'm not supposed to talk until I have something more positive to say? Or maybe people who are uncomfortable can just back away. I'm totally okay with that.

I've been in bed today, soul-sick more than anything, utterly unable to afford the time off, with the usual chatter battering my brain. I can't really stand it. There's a fundamental lack of organization of anything, of being buffeted around to produce this piece or that of whatever that has no common thread. And when the demands placed upon me are random and disorganized, that doesn't work with a brain that needs a lot of help making the lists and checking them just because.

I've done okay with some stuff this week, removing some triggers and being with my friends for good things. There's an awful lot of dissatisfaction around me. I'm over-pondering why I've been put in a space with a particular person for the short haul who doesn't bring out a speck of the best in me, who makes me nervous and worried. I'm tired of tests. I don't really give them out so I'm always surprised when they come back at me.

My mom went today to the funeral of a friend, someone I've known since I was a very small child, one of those losses that doesn't seem so profound to my life on the surface for reasons of time and distance but when I learn of it there's a thought of "how will the world continue to turn without this person? How does it continue?" The comings and goings are constant. It's the learning to be in the in-between that's my challenge, and although I know I'm not alone in that that's really the most lonely it gets so it's hard to really care sometimes.

I'm finally grieving for real after years of false starts and failed attempts and it's hard. I thought I did it a long time ago but I so didn't. In some ways I wasn't allowed to but in other ways I refuse, and even now when I feel like I'm doing the best I've done I'm usually proven wrong. Last night I had a thought that lasted for hours, that this was going to be okay, that my mind might finally be reshaping gracefully around my new old reality. And maybe just maybe I could do something revolutionary, something cool, without the dead weight of this garbage hanging on my back.

Today I am not so strong. Today I'm anxious again.

Tuesday night when I failed to respond to a stupid message that is so far away from what I once got, when I didn't pursue conversation because I knew it would only deepen the cracks in my heart, I guess I did the right thing for myself. I guess I took matters into my hands in the way I should have a long time ago instead of expecting that someone else would look out for me. And maybe I'd be better off if by some chance I'd been able to do that stuff a long time ago. I don't know. Right now my hands just feel empty, the weight of what I know too much and the effort it takes to maintain nothing is much more significant than I think it ought to be. But this is what was left to me. This is the way it turned out. This is nowhere I thought I'd end up, the last place  I want to be, and it is left to me to fashion something from it.

Comments

[Grace]

I wish there was something helpful I could say, but there isn't, so just know that I haven't backed away and am always reading.

[Linnea]

But you learnt something. Living is painful, as well as rewarding. Change what you can change and take the rest as well as possible. Grief not taken into account might haunt you, so better face it when it comes, if possible.

It might be hard to get rid of a person that's annoying, but maybe just remove yourself? I'm doing the same right now and it is no picnic, but life's better without the annoyances so... It is a question of doing what is right for YOU.