Monday

I am supposed to be writing a boring profile of MItchellville right now. I am supposed to be writing everything but this. I am supposed to be putting notes together. i am late, I am behind. I am everything about myself right now that I hate, that drives me crazy about myself, that has me driving around these two counties in despair, speaking conversations aloud that I'll never have for real.

I cannot focus. The monster is back in full force and I"m so scattered and I am not doing what I'm supposed to do. This is not to say that I'm suffering. In fact, I'm drinking wine and listening to Dar Williams and getting high on the smell of this luxuriously beautiful Pier One candle that I got on clearance a long time ago, which isn't a negative experience at all. I'm just not doing anything that's taking me anywhere, except out of my head, which is where I so badly need to be that it feels essential to do it even though there's other stuff on the agenda that other people care about.

I don't know why all the required things in life - the academic programs, work weeks, family dinners, need to reliably last like one-third past the time where you start to feel like you can't live in them anymore. This program sucks my soul. It's broken me down. I'm not even sure it'll do what I thought it would anymore, things just feel like they'll go back to where they were, but oddly enough I do trust that it was the right thing anyway

I wrote my ex a letter the other day. It's long. It's all kinds of complicated shit, and it's incredibly honest. It'll never be sent. It jsut needed to get out of my head. I kind of felt better after it. It's better to do that - to draft that stuff here and never push it live - than to keep it trapped in my gray matter. My brain is like his effing billboard anyway at this point. And why, I have no idea. But really...it's happening. The moving forward is happening. It's been a terrible season on that level and it turns out it was necessary. I'm packing this stuff up and putting it away.

Tonight I went on a jicama binge, only because Whole Foods craftily packages it with lime and I was standing there feeling all boogie like, Oh, I've had jicama, and they're giving me a lime! So I'll buy it! It's not satisfying. There's probably a way to make it so, but in my current existence where it's jicama and lime in the Whole Foods container with pita chips and wine? Not so much.

I am trying. So, so hard.

Comments

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[Marit]

I totally agree--sometimes it feels so good to write your heart out, literally, and just let er' sit in the "drafts" box.

[joanna]

You sound exhausted. What you've been dealing with emotionally is draining, never mind work and school stress. Doing that kind of growing can sap your last drop of energy, but you're to be congratulated for doing it. For now, go take a nap, a walk and then come back and do one thing. Just one. And then see how you're doing.

[Zandria]

I hope things are looking better this Monday, my dear.