I was supposed to leave tomorrow for New Orleans and I had a panic attack in the middle of the night and canceled the ticket. I feel relieved, although I'm sad I won't be there to see the party unfold.
I just can't do everything. I'm finally reaching that conclusion and it's taken me a long time. You can't do everything, not by forcing or not sleeping or ignoring the stuff you really need to do to do the stuff you want to do. These elementary, elemental truths are a long time coming for me. I'm having like ten existential crises per day right now, coming as I have to the end of a major life event (school) and facing the paradoxical great wide open and choking narrowness of my daily life on the other side of it. I'm in that horrible spot where I don't like anywhere I am or anywhere I have to go, and yet it's not so bad, it's just the nagging sense that I ought to be somewhere else, that where I am this minute I just can't be for another one, I can't stand it, could you stop talking to me about this particular thing at this particular minute because hello my head is going to explode.
My diploma came in the mail last week, in spite of the fact that I owe $55 to the university for a parking ticket. Fuckers. It made the degree seem sort of real but it also clarified that I am never satisfied, not with anything. I'm always afraid that they'll come and take it back when they realize the administrative error. I fixate on the train wreck of the last three months instead of the sum total of the work which really wasn't so bad.
I'll go into more detail at some point perhaps about just how long it took me to get the weird mailing tube open that the diploma came in (a classmate called me three DAYS later to ask me how I got it open. She'd been trying that long, and yes, life is that hard sometimes for stupid reasons and that sucks.) and how I took pictures of it both in the tube and out, and how I may have cried a little from relief, mostly related to the parking ticket and also a library book that I'm not sure they'll ever get back.
Personally, I am not happy. I am...discontent. Dissatisfied. And I really wanted to go to Louisiana and forget about the reasons why, to watch a city just freak out about itself for five days. But unfortunately the running isn't possible this month. I'm really just too tired. I don't have enough money for it. I don't have the physical stamina. So I'll stay here in this city that is kind of driving me crazy right now (I really want to move, every minute, but I have no idea where and that's clearly no good place from which to make a decision) and I'll keep overusing parentheses and do my Photoshop project and get geared up for Texas next month instead.
I'm actually going to housesit for my parents and sit still for periods of time. I have visions of a living room command center of vision boards I've had the supplies for since January and back taxes and blog posts to get some more of this garbage out of my head. I have visions of doing all of my laundry and cleaning out my car for spring (please, please, spring.)
And in the midst of all this I'll continue to deal with the reality that at this fragile moment in my life I have no belief whatsoever in miracles, which is the reason why I believed I needed Mardi Gras in the first place.