Three Places I've Lived - Roommate From Hell Edition

Becky, one of my new favorite people, tagged me in a note on a site that dares not speak its name. I occasionally do memes as a writing prompt, and because the past year or so it's been really hard for me to get anything written at all besides, well, nothing, I was doing it a lot - notes, lists, Yelp reviews, whatever. I obsessed over that 25 Random Things thing like I was gunning for a Pulitzer, and I can't remember what even one of them was now. Wait. Let me check.

They were really boring, actually. Did you know that I often count along with the syllables to words? As in tapping them out like Nell? No? Didn't care, either, did you? Should have definitely played that one funny. I kind of want to punch myself in the face now.

I had already written the Three Things thing last month that new favorite person Becky tagged me in. Typically, you list three things about yourself in each category, i.e., three tv shows I watch are Top Chef, CNN on endless loop and The Office and that's pretty much it, aren't you glad you know that now too? And also how unoriginal am I? At least I rent the Weeds dvds when I get a chance (which is never, never ever ever anymore. If my life would slow down I might be able to catch up with my stories, kids. But I'll never miss Top Chef. Write that down. No really. Write that down for me, please, so I remember I said it.)

ANYWAY, when I went back to this note to tag Becky, my answers to the three places I've lived actually made me laugh out loud, as in for real LOL. Apparently I had a lot of pent up feelings about these roommate situations. So now you get to read it too, if you want, and I get to put something on my blog from that nameless site and it all just kind of mashes up super nicely for a Monday evening that capped off a really traditionally underwhelming Monday, thanks for asking.

It should be noted that whereas I can be an embellisher in certain circumstances, my life and interpersonal encounters are fucked up weird enough on a daily basis to not really require it very much, and these descriptions are particularly accurate and unembellished. Sadly. Also I really loved living alone.

Three places I've lived (the roommate from hell edition:)

1. In a crazy grad student house in Dayton where my mail was stolen out of the box and I lived with an insane girl from Chicago who moved to Ohio to stalk her ex-boyfriend who went to the same university, who called everyone "jag-offs" and spent her time compulsively shopping at Wal-Mart and doing insane things. These included getting her car keyed at Wal-Mart because she yelled "FUCKING MOTOR" out the window of her car to a little Ohio lady who then apparently keyed her car while we were still inside; trying to write checks for her food at Subway and then raging because the Subway boy wouldn't take her check; telling my loveably, perpetually high boyfriend all about how she was going to get back at her perpetually high ex by writing an editorial in the school paper about marijuana use on campus, causing my said boyfriend to go, "Oh my God, you live with a narc. I can't be here."; getting into a fight with my other roommate and accusing her of drinking a beer each morning [ed. note: something she only figured out because she dug through the garbage to find each solitary can, hello KRAZY] quoting Sheryl Crow's lyric, "I like a good beer buzz/early in the morning" to her in a nasty note that pretty much ended all serenity in the house [ed. note: and escalated into a full-on, back and forth Post-It-Notes-on-doors war that stuck together added up to the length of War & Peace, because both of them, it turns out? Yeah. The K-word] until we all had to move out in second semester. Invigorating.

2. In a house in Kettering, Ohio, with a very neurotic girl who was on the phone talking to her friends or her mother loudly every morning by 7 a.m. and also stomping around at that hour in her played out Doc Martens (wtf? Who calls people just to randomly chat at 7 a.m.? I can't even talk yet at 7 a.m.) and ended up hating me because I didn't want to pay a $730 gas bill so charged because the previous tenants screwed with the meter and we didn't know it until they shut off our heat in February. In Ohio. In February. To which I replied, "Fuck you, Dayton Power & Light. There may not be any elderly people or children in this house but that stunt earns you none of my money." So then she got all crazy and passive-aggressive and started with the e-mail messages in stilted, weird language and eventually it just all fell apart and that was that.

3. In a horrible, alternately boiling hot or freezing cold house in Hyattsville with one normal guy who liked to dance the salsa dancing and played hockey on alternate nights, the totally shady Jimmy Buffett Parrothead wannabe Annapolis sailor without a boat who owned the place and a tiny British math ph.d student who drank a twelve pack warm in his room every night and wailed along poorly to pop/folk-type songs (i.e., Mad World by Gary Jules) and worse yet never (NE.VER.) flushed the toilet or put his food down the garbage disposal even though the hole is RIGHT THERE, just push your leftover salad down there and flip the switch, you pretend to be a hippie so shouldn't you be composting anyway?...Who wandered around drunk in the early morning hours doing things like breaking the bathroom window and helpfully explaining that "it broke" when asked whether or not someone had broken in or he'd punched it or what.

At least I don't name names.

 

Comments

[AnnQ]

LMAO! No wonder you laughed out loud when thinking about the places you've lived! Very funny stuff. :-)

[sassymonkey]

So I'm guessing that you share my fear and loathing of roommates?

[Becky]

Hello, KRAZY? It's me, Becky. Yeah. Umm. Is Laurie there?

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I feel insanely fortunate. I'm still friends with all of my roommates.

[Sue @ My Party of 6]

We have Dayton in common. We must discuss.

[Skye]

I'm surprised you don't just twitch all the time. Total insanity.