And if by chance, that special place

Self-love is okay, even if that's not what they told me in school. In fact I'm quite certain it was strongly discouraged where I started out, but I graduated, baby.

Hilly designates Valentines Day as Self-Love Day over at her blog and encourages people to do the same. I've been blog slacking lately - long story, this week's version involves a crapload of snow and general inertia. I was not one of the ones liveblogging this shit, I'll just leave it at that - so it seems like a good way to jump back in.

Again.

Seriously, I am the queen of blog breaks.

ANYWAY, this is not about what is wrong with me, supposedly. That's for every OTHER day. This is about love. Self-love. The Jesus-legal kind.

See?

...is the greatest love of all. You thought that, didn't you? At least some of you did? I hope so, because I'd like to at least still be friends.

I DECIDED LONG AGO NEVER TO WALK IN ANYONE'S SHADOW.

I feel the need to yell that line, sorry. Whitney could sing that song and make me forget I hated it. Such was her voice then. Annndddd I'm distracted. (I typed "distractored" accidentally. I think that's a much better word.)

Anyway. What do I love about myself? I'm supposed to pick one thing.

I am not proficient at this task. In? At?

See?

Okay. You know what I think I love? I keep showing up. I don't know what I'm doing or why. I have no idea, honestly. I don't have anything I thought I'd have, I'm not doing anything I really thought I'd be doing. I am certainly not where I have ever dreamed of being. I have hard days and devastating hours. I feel incompetent a lot, like I let people down and say the wrong things and can never remember all of the bills on the right days and never click on all of the right links or fill out the right forms or return all of the e-mails. I am kind of a mess.

But I keep showing up. I am persistent in this trying-to-figure-it-out in spite of not knowing thing, in doing what I can only perceive with all of the facts and intuitive flashes that I have at hand to be the next right thing. And I really do try. Even when I look like I'm not trying I'm usually at least mentally trying really hard. I can be an excellent person to have around in the clinch, really, because I more or less live there.

I'd be a pretty good goalie, I think, is what I'm trying to say. It all somehow comes back to hockey. Funny, that.

And that is what I like about myself, right now, this day.

You are supposed to say something nice about me now. That's Hilly's rule, not mine. Her words, exactly:

Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!! If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

I guess that means in the comments? That's the embarrassing part and the part that I'm really not good at. I am not a good begger. I don't even get a lot of comments but all three of you who are here can play along or not.

And then I will say nice things about you, so really, as is not the case at the Olympic Games that you may have heard a thing or two about where some people will win and some people will indeed brutally lose and cry their way through the smoke of the snowboarders back to their Olympic Village bunk (I would totally want to be friends with the snowboarders, of course) we all win.

Really. We do.

Comments

[Maria Niles]

Always showing up is a thing I love about you, too m'dear. For some crazy reason one day you decided that we were friends and you've shown up and had my back ever since. You rock at showing up and that is an awesome super power my friend.

[Jules]

I'm a fan of ALL self love!!!!!! Yay for you!

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I can only pick one?

Okay, you make me laugh. A lot. And I really like to laugh.

[Megan]

So we don't actually know each other particularly well except through a mutual friend and the world of blog, but I love that you did an entire post of yourself belting out songs while driving. We all do it (or we all should do it.) So few admit to it, much less advertise it. I love people who advertise things like belting out songs in the car because it's things like singing in the car that make life work. Especially when you sing stuff like Guns N Roses.

[Stimey]

You know what I like about you? I like that you put yourself out there for friends, even new friends who you don't know very well, like me. I have felt very embraced by you and it is a lovely feeling. It really is.

Plus, you're smart, you're independent, and you take great photos.

[Anonymous]

Hi, you don't know me and I don't know you. I'm a classic blog-lurker and I think you're fabulous, you have a way of articulating the things I am not brave enough to put on paper myself.