30

On a day when Mom was pregnant with you, she was having some terrible problems -- pain, spotting -- and had to go to the hospital. She sat on her bed before she left, crying.

I was almost 10 years old, a chubby only child. I have very few clear memories of my younger years, but I remember kneeling beside her, pushing down my own despair, knowing for the first terrifying time that she needed me more than I needed her.

"Don't be sad, Mommy," I said. "Be MAD that this is happening. Be mad for the baby." 

I could attribute this line to one of Grandma's All My Children episodes, but the thing is, I think it just came from me. I think even then I had a penchant for fighting fire with a fire beyond it, for slap fighting with reality. For the baby.   

********************************

You kicked RH factor's ass, and as you well know more than anyone, marched on to turn 30 years old today. 

You are everything to our family, in that you made it what it never would have been -- elevated it while you anchored it, made it a square.

You unwittingly transformed a shaky triangle into the shape of a home.

I don't remember a time before you. And I guess if we hold you too tightly in our myriad awkward ways, it's perhaps not to be forgiven, but maybe it can be understood, taken as a gift and not a curse. 

*********************************

Now I see we're in the boat in two-by-twos

Only a heart that we had for a tool we could use. 

And the very close quarters, are hard to get used to. 

Love weighs the hull down with its weight.

                            -Indigo Girls, Wood Song

 

*********************************

You are the person I would save from a fire before myself. I could list off memories, but it's pointless, because you've picked up whatever has meaning to you from the past three decades of whatever this is and have a much more frighteningly clear memory of every day than I've ever had, anyway.

I've felt badly about a lot of things in my life, not the least of which is what I have not been for or to you. I've been embarrassed by a tendency to mother when I should have sistered. I've sometimes lost my own sense of how I should relate, quite honestly. It doesn't matter that it's not needed, it just is, and asking me not to feel it is pointless and a little insulting. We all have our people, and like it or not, you are mine.

But what I've finally come to understand, although no one else might, is that when you know a baby before she's born, when you talk to her invisible  on the couch beside you at night after you practice your multiplication tables, and then live close by her after she's actually there, when you hold her in your arms and watch her grow? Some maternal pull is not to be helped, for a person like me, anyway. Beyond the daily caregiving there is an inclination regardless of biological relationship to wish  to reach into the world and make it bend to the will and capabilities of this child -- to protect her from the wildebeests and far less obvious predators. And if you do not look pretty or even socially acceptable in the process? So be it. It is beyond your control. 

That said, one of my favorite memories is pulling up in the obnoxious teal Cavalier to pick you up from St. Peter's, blasting Poison and smoking, amid the minivan moms. I think I still made sure you had all that you needed, even if I didn't have enough money for Wendy's on the way to the Orioles game that time. 

*********************************

You are now, as you have always been, an astounding, impressive human being, a person of almost overwhelming principle and character. From your baby days, you were intensely focused on goals, whether wrecking my stuff, learning a dance, taping a show, making a drink or planning a trip.

Lord help any person, any time, who would stand in the way of your plans. 

You are one of the only people in the world who makes me wish I could be better, who inspires in me some pioneer-style wacko desire to be capable of providing, of setting an example. 

This occurs to me now and finally, although it doesn't exactly fit. I would honestly never give up my years in Ohio, because I feel that time was mine to have and it was so essential at the time to see that through. But the only regret I have from that strange time of leaving is that at no point from my path from the house to my car did I turn around and say,

"You. You, are the most important reason anyone should stay anywhere. Especially me."  

Comments

[flutter]

this is so unbelievably sweet

[Jen]

Wow. If even ten percent of us could articulate love so well, I honestly think the world could be transformed. Happiest of birthdays to your sister, too.

[Roberta]

This is amazing. That is all.

[jodifur]

This made me cry.

[Mr Lady]

Sigh,

I just love you.

[TwoBusy]

This is entirely lovely, and totally representative of why your writing is so wonderful.

On a not-unrelated note: a very, very happy birthday to your sister.

[Jett]

THE WHOLE DAMN INTERNET IS HELL-BENT ON MAKING ME CRY TODAY.

Your sister? Is beautiful.
You? You are too. And my God, do you _shine_.

[Katie]

Thank you for the most beautiful birthday card. I love you, too. Even if you do have the type of writing that makes me cry ON THE WAY to a funeral :)

And thank you to my sister's most excellent friends from the blogosphere for their good wishes.

[Kristen]

In my dreams, my girls write a post like this about their sisters.

How lucky you both are. And we are, to be able to peek into the window.

Thank you.

[smart aleck]

The old song classifies friendships into silver and gold, but your words prove that the friendship you and your sister share is platinum--rare, beautiful and of great value.

As for mothering/sistering, I think they are a Venn diagram--being a sister cannot exist without a bit of mothering. Especially if you are the big sister, because you want the best for your siblings.

And happy birthday to your sister!