LaurieWrites

Daggers

The Borders Express at the airport exists to sell James Patterson and Danielle Steel books, and other best sellers. It's an airport. People want to get in and get out, or so I thought. I stopped in this morning to pick up some headphones for my iPod (nothing else - there's a moratorium on all book-buying until I've read all the stuff that I've got in backlog, and I think I'm just going to have to borrow this infernal Harry Potter book from someone - four sightings of it on the way to Chicago this morning alone.)

Anyway, the man in front of me, clearly lost at BWI on the way to the Library of Congress, sidled up to the information desk/cash register and approached the sole bookseller in the place, cutting in front of several people holding single papebacks they can take on the PLANE, because hello they're in the AIRPORT. He asks if, among the relative 10 percent of a normal store's inventory this tiny place has, 50 percent of which is mystery/thriller, they carry "The Art of the Knife."

At first I thought it was James Patterson's new book. Then the lady leaves the line to go to the computer to look it up, clearly not recognizing the title, and he says, rocking back and forth, "Yeah, it's a book about knives. Collectible knives. Knives as art. I'm not even sure if it's released yet."

Knives as art?

To her credit, she looked it up for him, and finally said, "No, sir, I don't see it. You'll probably have to look in a larger store." I added, but not out loud, "tool."

 

SEE???? Hohoho!!!!

Happy Christmas in July. Where's my present, slackers? Haha.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming. (when it's not the 25th anymore, that is.)

Who you don't want to be sitting next to at the graduation

Stranger behind me:
"Hey dude, don't forget Jimmy's got the air horn. Don't sit next to him unless you want your ears blowed out."

First Day Back

Me: I need a paperclip.

Nancy: I need a gun.

I think she mentioned him.

So I'm taking pictures of the cherry blossom tree when the guy on the pay phone goes nuts.

"Don't you DARE mention your psycho freaking ex to me! Fuck him! God bless his PSYCHO soul, but fuck him! And you too for mentioning him. Do you really think I give a fuck what goes on out there in Arkansas or South Dakota or wherever the hell he is? Do not EVEN mention that shit to me. Talk about whatever you want to talk about, but do not talk about your psycho ex to me. I do not want to hear about him. Do not do it! Fuck him!"

He hung up the receiver upside down.

Vote for new icon, yo

This is totally important, clearly. This one (my nose itched at the last second. Love that! But like the bangs? I have bangs! BANGS! Like Lester Bangs. I hate that word.)

OR this one, which I took on the plane down to Austin, because I wanted the people around me to wonder why in the hell the weird girl in the green sweater was taking glowy pictures of herself.

I know, I am fundamentally quite disturbed. I'm kind of liking the halo effect on the second one. You know, on account of the whole fear of death thing  that I always go through on airplanes and all.

My chatting future depends on you. Do not be deterred by this, however, if you're not in support of adult (or even adolescent) people wasting their lives chatting. My chatting future should likely be very short, as I really should be out and about making the world a better place.

Holla.

Picturing myself as Snow White

And it's cracking me the hell up.

Of course if I ended up marrying Dopey, that would just be divine comedy now wouldn't it? Grumpy is almost a given.

And now vicariously we love you.

Conversation with my mother this morning (way too early, as I need to be in a room, teaching other human beings with actual words and ideas and concepts, every Monday morning at 9 a.m. Funny ha-ha much? Yeah, I think so too. And so do they, I think. Dude, I could never teach high school. 7 a.m.! It starts at 7 a.m.!)

Me: Mumbles random gratuitous comment about a bodily function, mostly to self.
Mom: Oh! Are you talking about my little friend in the cartoon? Mr. Who?
Me: Are you serious? Your little friend? Are you referring to Mr. Hankey?
Mom: Oh right! Mr. Hankey! I just love those little guys.Hahaha!

I'm not sure my mother is the demographic Matt Stone and Trey Parker are banking on, but things are just that insane around here and also she may represent an untapped market. And also again, Matt and Trey do not, nor will they ever, have a MySpace page, at topic which appears to dredge up more conviction than many political issues. I mean, I thought this was a good idea already, but this clinches it: Matt and Trey for President.

He only hears what he wants to.

Please note that my interest in Lisa Loeb dating back to "Stay" indicates that I am in need of this lunatic to help me C.H.O.P.s away the gay.   Still pondering the whole "Ted Nugent (loincloth)" bit, and the fact that sweet baby Elton got a "really gay" in parens whereas none of the other comfortably out folks did.

It's awesome to spread hatred in the name of God, isn't it? What a waste of bandwidth. And what a sad, sad thing.

The Wii Goes On

Sorry about that. I really couldn't help it.

It was brought to my attention that I was so overwrought by the overall concept of freakish death and dismemberment and looking up "nanotechonlogical whatever the hell that was" on Wikipedia to no avail that I messed up the links for the stories below. So here's the correct one for the "Wee for a Wii" death, which I'm sure had you on the edge of your seat. (However, like there's an easier phrase to Google, right?) Actually, I found a new article, because I'm lazy and it's the first link I hit.  But it's better, because it's from the London Times, and I do love me some British media and learning about the many new reasons they have to think we're morons.

This article is also better because it indicates that so many people have hurt themselves or their furniture with their cool new toy (when they actually don't die before they get it) that a site has been set up called Wii Injury.com to, as they say, "share the funny and dangerous side of owning a Nintendo Wii console." Look, I'm well aware that life is a daily gamble as it is. And if I have to set up a website to help me protect myself from my video games, I need to step AWAY from the electronic instrument of death. But I still highly recommend the Wii Sex video (scroll down a bit...and it's not that bad at all, but still not at work, silly!) especially to any woman who has ever dated any sort of gamer, particularly those who have had to go to some, er, extensive lengths for some ATTENTION, PLEASE!

It would be funnier if it weren't, like those stupid beer commercials say, so very, very true.