LaurieWrites

Life List 2012

So here I am, the night before life list day at Camp Mighty, finishing my list, as I did last year. 

I am so, so late to the life list party, later than I was last year. It's shameful. Part of the issue is that it appears that I went into some kind of strange, challenged place for most of 2011 and, well hell, most of 2012 too. When I looked back at last year's list, I was all, "Who wanted to do that?" and "Who wanted to go there? NOT ME." It didn't resonate. It just felt weird. So I knew I had to rewrite it. But you know what that means. 

I had to rewrite it. 

It didn't come easy. 

This is what I came up with for this year. I'm finishing it just as I get in from the Camp Mighty space party. Although I may have mentioned a time or two around here that I fail costumes, I gave this one a teeny bit of thought, and a try. 

Space cowgirl. Yeehaw. 

So here's the list. There are a few blanks at the end, because you never know when you'll change your mind or come up with new stuff. 

1.     Learn American Sign Language

2.     Write and publish a book

3.     Understand wine, become a certified sommelier

4.     Drink a Guinness in Ireland

5.     Become a Red Cross disaster volunteer

6.     Visit all 50 states

7.     Photograph a gay wedding in Maryland

8.     Become a master photographer

9.     Take my mom on a fabulous trip, anywhere of her choosing, on me.

10. Live in a European country for a year.

11. Exceed my past highest salary, this time as a writer, editor, and photographer. 

12. See Bruce Springsteen live in New Jersey.

13. Have competent basic chef skills, and own a professional set of kitchen knives.

14. Pay off all student loan debt by the time I’m 50.

15. Digitize and archive all family photographs. Put the prints in books.

16. Publish an article in a national magazine – print or online.

17. Visit every country in Europe.

18. Throw a crab feast for my half-birthday.

19. Take trips on all Amtrak routes in the U.S.

20. Learn to play the drums.

21. Outfit my kitchen to indicate that I’m not in college anymore.

22. Live debt free.

23. Do a full photo/travel/food tour of New Mexico with someone I love.

24. Return to Vietnam, spend time volunteering.

25. Photograph an Operation Smile mission.

26. Attend NYC Pride and Mermaid Parade 2013 in a recovered Coney Island.

27. Establish a nonprofit association in honor of my great-grandparents.

28. Drink coffee and wine in Paris on the same day.

29. Have a yard that contains both a lilac and a hydrangea bush.

30. Understand how to competently use Speedlite flash and studio lighting.

31. Go to a Stanley Cup championship game.

32. Go to Oktoberfest in Munich.

33. Support surgeries for at least five children per year through Smile Train/Operation Smile.

34. Own a home.

35. Do the Sound of Music tour in Salzburg/Vienna.

36. Eat sushi in Japan.

37. Visit all tourist spots in D.C. that I should have seen a long time ago, if I didn’t live here. 1.White House. 2. All the Smithsonians and monuments. 3. National Archives, etc.)

38. Celebrate my December/Christmas birthday on a warm island, with friends.

39. Live in New York and know it well.

40. Have a professional website that I love and that represents my skills and portfolio well.

41. Have a clean, organized living space that supports peace and productivity.

42. Have a place at the beach that I can go to anytime.

43. Visit Australia. Have Eden Riley show me around.

44. Have Boston Terriers in my house again, and support rescue efforts.

45. Go on a food and wine tour of Tuscany.

46. Send my parents on a honeymoon.

47. Meet Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

48. Learn to change my oil and perform other basic maintenance on my car.

49. Be published on McSweeney’s.

50. Meet Bret Michaels. Get picture taken with him making the metal horns, as he does in almost every photo ever published of him.

51. Do 100 cool things for my family and friends. 

52. Cross the border to Canada. Visit Dolores in Montreal.

53. See a Duran Duran show in London.

54. Learn to ride a motorcycle at the Harley Davidson Rider’s Edge class.

55. Trace my family history accurately and completely.

56. Be competently conversational in Spanish and French, maybe through immersion programs.

57. Print all meaningful/beautiful photographs, and hang them in my home.

58. Match my old 401K within three years.

59. Write and publish an “Ask Auntie Laurie” advice column on the internet.

60. Have fun and meaningful traditions with my new niece or nephew.

61. Go on the tour of Eataly NYC and take a class. Go to Eataly in Rome.

62. Photograph a birth.

63. Own and use a full set of pro-level Canon lenses.

64. Publish an essay in Washingtonian or the Washington Post.

65. Photograph 50 people who make the world a better place. Profile them and publish on the blog.

66. Go to Bonnaroo, Austin City Limits, SXSW Music, Coachella, Virgin Festival in London. 

67. Endow a scholarship.

68. Spend time in San Francisco and get to know the city. 

69. Streamline my life. Throw away all belongings that no longer serve me. Start fresh. 

70. Visit the Laura Ingalls Wilder spots in Missouri and South Dakota.

71. Send one surprise present per month for no reason.

72.  Learn how to DJ (I already know how to rap.)

73. Get my 200-hour yoga certification.

74. Host a fun beach weekend with some of my favorite people.

75. Drive cross-country with no time constraints. Stop wherever I want to take pictures. Don’t skip Marfa, Texas, this time. 

76. Host a holiday.

77. See all the oceans. Float in the Dead Sea.

78. Design a website.

79. Work for at least one whole season from a deck by the water.

80. Have a king-sized bed with really great sheets, an actual duvet, and pillows that don’t drive me crazy.

81. Write something that I don’t think I’m capable of writing at all.

82. Win a poker game. Wear sunglasses while doing so. 

83.  Live in a real neighborhood where I actually interact with my neighbors. 

84. Manage social media for a touring band. 

85. Go on a heavy metal cruise. 

86. Have a decent bra fitting. 

87. Go to Hawaii with Sarah to celebrate our birthdays. 

88. Get overall financial house in order so it is not a constant source of anxiety. 

89. Have a regular practice of having people over to my house for meals and conversation.

90. Write my travel stories down. 

91. Create an annual tradition with my cousins. 

92. Drive cross-country (Check, September, 2012.) 

93. Organize and edit all of my best pictures into an online portfolio. Make prints and hang the ones I really love. 

94. Know how to cook all basic meals/foods without a recipe. 1. Soup 2. Roast 3. Cake ?

95. Have an Etsy store or other online shop that actually sells things. 

96. Travel somewhere fun with just my sister. 

97. 

98. 

99. 

100. 

I have to pick five goals now that I want to focus on in the coming year. I'm going to sleep on that. 

Of Maryland Os and Accents

My beautiful friend Samantha Jo made this version of the accent meme video that I just love.

I've never met Sam in person (ed. note after I drove to work and realized I was probably wrong about this -- and now I'm thinking this is a dirty lie, and that I met her at BlogHer New York or somewhere at a BlogHer, but it wasn't QUALITY TIME, you know? So maybe I just think it didn't count. Or maybe I'm just delusional and forgetful like usual. We should probably go with that), but we click on Twitter like nobody's business, and I know without meeting him that her kid is the kind of kid I'd have wanted to have if I'd ever had one. (I've always hoped I could order a boy if I managed to be a mom, and the communication that she and Theo have resonates with me as  the kind that I'd have with a child who belonged to me. Intuition is a weird thing.)

Also, things have also been kind of heavy around here for awhile, which isn't exactly accurate, because my in-real-life is a much stranger mix of pathos and humor, and I'm thinking maybe the blog should reflect that more?

I don't know. In any case, I did the accent meme, in spite of my relative hatred of video. Here I am, discussing aunts and terlets and Maryland o-faces. It's as unexciting as that doesn't sound.

It's incredibly long, but there were lots of questions, and not only am I not that concise, but I can also go on and on about words. If you want terse and short, ask me about chemistry or equations or some shit like that. I'll guarantee you 27 seconds, maybe.

Suebob did it tonight too, because I asked. I consider her quintessential California, so we're basically coastal opposites.

Delurking Day

So Aimee sends me this graphic without fail every year and reminds me that it's Delurking Day as decreed by Rude Cactus.

And I was totally going to ignore it again not ONLY for my usual reason (I have a small blog, I get very few comments, I know all of the wonderful people who read and comment because they are my friends, even that busty babes vid person who I'm sure hangs on my every word, whatever, insert excuse here) but also because I am so far behind in life in general that I'm verging on uninterrupted hysterical cry-laughing (Nervous breakdown! BRB!)

Nice sentence, yeah? I told you I was stressed.

But then. Then, Mr. Lady posted early early early this morning, like I wasn't even at work yet early, and not only did she do the delurking thing but she went and did something that I talked myself out of doing earlier this week, which is to post her scale photos online.

Did I mention I'm knee deep in a new exercise program and signed up for Biggest Blogging Loser? And I do indeed have to send Jennie photos of my scale every week? No? And that I knocked off the Baileys for the forseeable future? And that I've been aggressively shopping for fresh fruit and vegetables like Mr. Green Jeans on a bender?

No and no and no. It just started but it's going okay -- not great but okay, which is good because if I can't make something sustainable I'll just end up back where I started, which is the opposite of where I need to be right now. So January is work and taking care of my body better, because I feel like hell and I look worse. Oh, and bitching about winter. I could medal in that, honestly.

So yeah, I don't know why I'm telling you this, except to say that in some strange way my friends in Texas and Colorado combined have me posting just to say hey, which I never do anymore so it's probably about time. And since it's kind of weird to think of blogland as a legion of weirdo lurkers, feel free to say hi back. Or not.

If you work better with a topic question, what song should I be listening to? I need to retire the Avett Brothers cd from my car and need new music in general.

2010

So my friend Kelly did this year-end survey and it reminded me tht I used to do it too. The last time I have it in my archives was 2007. This is my favorite answer to that one, I think, which was written during my first ass-kicking semester in journalism school:

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. "Just because it hurts like hell to let it go doesn't mean you should keep it." Also, third party attribution will not save you from libel charges, so own your words...cause they's your words for better or worse, sweetheart.

So true. Anyway, I need to write something more serious tonight and I have nothing resembling coherent thoughts about that in my brain yet so I'm hoping this will help make it work.

1. Where did you begin 2010?

At Kristen's house with her family and friends in Virginia, drinking home brew and watching her try to singe creme brulee with a fucked up blowtorch. She talks about the aftermath here. It wasn't pretty.

This made me realize that 2011 makes two years in a row I've been in Virginia on New Year's Eve. It's a conspiracy, Tampa.

2. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Watched and began to comprehend and have opinions about football. Went to Houston. Spent days on end in Virginia. Lost my mind at the Carnegie Deli.

(That wins for my sentimental favorite post of the year. Oates!)

Saw Fountains of Wayne (that was big for me), KT Tunstall and Tom Petty live. Accompanied a friend in Red Sox gear to a Yankees-Sox game at Yankee Stadium. Fed a calf a bottle of milk (fun -- I could totally be a farmer if someone else set everything up and I could just go in and ride their farming coattails.)

Turned 40. (Holy crap, oh my God.)

3. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Absolutely not and yes, I'm trying. Right after January I pretty much sank into my usual seasonally affected depression and then I messed up terribly at something at which I consistently kick ass, so I'd say any resolutions went out the window posthaste. I've got some in mind for this year. I have some writing to do this weekend and I may share them. We'll see.

Oh, and I also fully intended to get another tattoo on my 40th birthday. Failed that -- and not just because some lady on Twitter who didn't bother to ask whether I had experience in this genre or not told me I was a middle-aged cliche.  I just hadn't figured out what I wanted yet. That's kind of key.

4. Were you in school (anytime this year)?

No. I graduated from journalism grad school in 2008 and because I don't think I'll ever take leave of my senses and go for a  Ph.d I'm pretty sure I'm done. (Please let me not take leave of my senses.) I wanted to take some web design classes so I can build my own website and photo portfolio but I was very busy drinking beer and watching hockey games and worrying needlessly about a million things that I did not. Hopefully this year.

5. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, and I am sad about that. Babies!

6. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Crosses self, throws salt over shoulder, sings the Ave Maria, etc.

7. What places did you visit?

I still just want to answer this with Funkytown, you know. HOWEVER.

Houston (twice, once for Mom 2.0 and once for Karen's book release -- both great times.)

(I have pretty friends. Don't hate.)

New Orleans. Ocean City and Rehoboth. Myrtle Beach. New York for kicks and then for BlogHer. Asheville. The amazing Ojai and Ventura after for Creative Alliance.

Plus I went to Virginia a lot to see Sarah and to occasionally bring her beer.

8. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

A sunny place to live where I can have friends over for game days and other such festive occasions. An iMac. A new website. Dependable sanity. A waist.

9. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 3, going to the Maryland game with my father and watching them beat Duke at home. I'll never forget this as long as I live. It surpassed my graduation for the best moment I've ever had on campus, and I thought they'd never let me out of that joint what with my remarkably mediocre gpa and knack for changing my major.

June 19, the M3 Festival -- stupidly fun, including the spitting beer on people and getting ejected from The Scorpions portion of the program parts. If anyone knows a metal band who needs a traveling promoter who is not a groupie in any way, shape or form except for the love of trashy awesome music, I may be reached at this website at any time.

BlogHer kicked ass this year, especially -- what was that, August 5-6? I loved it. July 2, Marcus and Tyra's wedding. I was proud to be a part of it and to take some of the photos.

My mom's 60th birthday party.

10. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having a photo in an exhibit for the first time. That was a big deal for me.

Almost but not completely losing my shit during a very stressful occupational situation that promised to make me do that for awhile there. Scrounging enough freelance money to make it through the summer in spite of the lack of a paycheck with two weeks notice. Writing a lot more than I did in 2009. Helping one of my longest-languishing students graduate and transfer. Making choices in my closest relationships such that I separated a lot more wheat from some fairly glaring chaff.

11. What was your biggest failure?

I dropped the ball on a big project. I know exactly what I did and why and I've come to terms, but if I could go back and do it over in a better and more solid frame of mind I surely would. The spring was very difficult. I also dropped my iPhone into a plastic cup of wine on the Amtrak on the way to BlogHer. That was a shit show -- one with a happy ending, but a shit show nonetheless.

12. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing major.

13. What was the best thing you bought?

M3 and Winter Classic tickets. Wine. Plane tickets to Houston, New Orleans and L.A..

14. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My non-blogging friend Jen is a superhero who has given herself heart and soul to caring for her mother. She is the finest person I know. Several of my internet friends reached out from the computer and made me proud to know them and grateful to have them in my life in 3-d, even.

My sister worked so hard in her Ph.d program. I am very proud of and more importantly impressed by her. 

I always say this, but pretty much anyone who is fighting the good fight and living with integrity in spite of the usual barriers and problems deserves a round of applause. I am currently clapping. 

And freaking leave Dick Clark alone -- it's his house. If he wants to keep getting up and doing it every year on New Year's Eve until he dies, shut up and let him. Did you host American Bandstand, wiseguy? Didn't think so.

15. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Students who skip finals and fail classes therefore. Brett Favre. Pretty much anyone I wrote about on MamaPop. I unfollowed a lot of negativity and narcissism on Twitter. People who tailgate my EFFING CAR ON MY WAY TO WORK and their sisters and brothers in oblivion who scream into their cellphones in enclosed spaces where strangers have to listen to them. (OMG I'LL SEE YOU IN AN HOUR I'LL BRING THE PAPER BAGS WTF?) Anyone, as usual, who committed my worst peevish sins and lied or littered.

16. Where did most of your money go?

Bills, food, travel and hockey and concert tickets.

17. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

M3 Festival and Winter Classic (take the needle off the record.) The Maryland-Duke game. Caps games. BlogHer. Glee (pathetic, yes. True, yes.)

18. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Lady Gaga, Speechless; Avett Brothers, I & Love & You; Kix's Midnite Dynamite album; Biggie, Party & Bullshit; 21 Guns, GreenDay

19. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? I feel pretty stable right now so happier I guess?
b) thinner or fatter? I am ENORMOUS right now. I am not even kidding. I haven't weighed this much since that one year in college.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.

20. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Reading. Exercising. Lying on beaches. Kicking ass and taking names. Traveling, always traveling. Taking pictures. 2010 was not a good consistent shooting year.

21. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being trapped in my house by blizzards. Panicking. Feeling guilty. Procrastinating. Sitting in my office. Playing Angry Birds.

22. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas Eve I failed at baking lemon bars and fudge but the cookies turned out okay, so I spent most of the night in the kitchen listening to It's a Wonderful Life from the living room and crying. Christmas Day I was home with my family, plus my father's brothers and their wives and most of the kids came over at night. It was a good holiday.

23. Did you fall in love in 2010?

No. Sad! I had a few little crushes though so that was fun. It's good to know I'm still alive. Maybe this year I'll actually talk to a REAL BOY. (Who doesn't want me to set him up with my friend.) (Who is interesting and financially solvent and can talk about lots of things without my eyes glazing over.) ( And who has season tickets to the Washington Capitals or at least will go to games and doesn't care that I scream a lot at them.)

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Glee. Top Chef. Parenthood. Great Food Truck Race. Not Mad Men. Not True Blood. I know!

25. What did you do for your birthday in 2010?

I went to the MVA to renew my license because I am a procrastinating asshole. However the nice MVA lady was all, "It's YO BIRTHDAY!" and said "Happy birthday!" and she seemed very pleased to be able to do that so maybe that paying it forward was just what the doctor ordered. Then I drank a bottle of Prosecco and ate a dozen oysters for lunch with my mom at Clyde's. Then I ended up at a new restaurant near my house that I've really been wanting to try with my family and a few friends, and Sarah and Marcus and Dolores and Nancy were there and it was rather perfect, considering my aversion to doing any kind of celebrating at all. And those jerks gave me a lovely book that made me cry from joy because it brought home that in spite of how much I think I suck on a daily basis and my stubborn focus on what I lack, that I am very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life and that is gold, baby. Gold. Suck it, haters.

26. What was the best book you read?

This is pathetic because I think I only finished one and I used to read a couple of books a month. Damned internet. I finished Anne Lamott's "Imperfect Birds" and that was okay. I had every intention of finishing "Freedom" but I didn't like it and all I could think all the way til whatever page I made it to was how is it that Jonathan Franzen ranks not having an editor at all? Because dude could have been edited down by about a hundred self-indulgent pages. So mark 2010 down as the Year of the Illiterate Horse or Pig or whatever it is this time around. I have big reading plans for this year, though. I even started reading a book already!

27. What did you want and get?

The summer off (totally unexpectedly and not without trauma, but anyway, it happened.) A Caps jersey. My own room at BlogHer.

28. What did you want and not get?

A houseboy. Also a house. Small detail. A dog.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I saw "The King's Speech" right before the year ended and because I really loved it and can't remember anything else I'm going with that.

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

I did! This was a great year for friends. I write for a few websites and from those places especially did emerge some of the finest writers and beyond that human beings I've ever had in my life.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Again, a houseboy. Unlimited funding. Someone to shovel me out of Snowmageddon.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Does it accentuate my third chin? Sold!

33. What kept you sane?

My friends. My sister. Twitter (counterintuitive, I know, but it's always there for me. Can't deny it.) Red wine after work.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

(Kelly said this and it made me laugh. I fancy her! Her behavior merits celebration!:"Celebrities can eat a fat one. Seriously. I don’t give a flying frack.")

But I'll say it -- Jack White can come over anytime.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Midterm elections. I got a little riled on the Twitter that day. Also, relatedly, any signs or exhortations that even remotely aligned Barack Obama's race or country of origin with his performance as president.

36. Who did you miss?

I'll miss my grandmother every day of my life. I'm learning to live with it better, but we were tight so it's hard. 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Fun is underrated and should be actively pursued, courage is essential more often than not, and finally and most importantly, don't drop your iPhone facedown on a rock and then days later into a glass of wine because it'll make you sad.

Reverb10 -- December 1

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010 is confusion. I don't remember the beginning of the year, really, but I remember how things fell apart in the spring for real and never really got back on track. Things were upended that had been stable on the surface for a long time. And even though I did some smart things in response, I didn't exactly grab the combined chaos and opportunity of a certain Chinese symbol and run with it.

There were good times this year. I know how to function with a certain level of insanity and I made gold out of straw on a number of occasions so I could be with people I cared about in places I cared about being. I wouldn't trade beers on Sarah's patio in the summer or Marcus's wedding or the M3 festival or the beach with my family or BlogHer in New York or the the Creative Alliance in Ojai. I have such good friends and time with them saved me -- a vegan dinner with Elisa on the Upper West Side, an amazing California day with Sue and Deb and then Erin and her family, Ian and Claudia knocking on a borrowed door to come over and see what was going on when I was in their neighborhood, so many good times with Sarah. These are times I'll wish back in later years when I've lost people and things that are an essential part of now.

Yet, I sit here in December unsure of everything -- where to live, where to go, what to do, who to be, who to be with, who to become. I cannot sit calmly anywhere. I am always freaked out. I feel like I'm running out of time to do things and I don't know what those things are. I'm surrounded by calendars with half-filled in pages and scribbled-on bills and a scale that's reading up and up and up no matter that I'm sweating my ass off multiple times a week in a 90-degree room full of people doing difficult yoga.

I am unsure of everything.

One year from today? I want "fulfillment" to capture 2011. I don't know what it will look like. I don't really care where I'll be. I can't describe air or other things I can't yet rightly see. I don't even know if I could identify it anymore from this space I'm in. I'm not sure I've ever had it. But I'm hoping that whatever this is that has reached into my life and shook it like a snowglobe for real this year settles down, and that on the other side I have a clearer path, a calmer heart and a sense that the place I'm in and the direction in which I'm going are good and right and true.

I want to feel good about and resolute in my life, my work, my relationships and my goals.

I don't expect magic. I expect focus and intention, two things I'm already working on in the midst of chaos and confusion, to help me achieve this. I know that what I'm doing now -- the sorting out, the repairing, the throwing away, the acknowledgement of places I've screwed up so I can fix them -- is essential. I know to value the quiet spaces where I'm sketching out what I need to do so I have a long moment's peace. So that even if it isn't perfect in a year -- because when is it ever, really? -- that it is so much better. That it feels like a place I can inhabit without extreme agitation or fear, without the sense that any life would be better, every day.

It's possible, I suppose.

I'm going to try to do this every day in December.

What I Love.

As much as I really am my very harshest critic (seriously -- the trash you talk about me will never surpass the voices in my head) there are some things I like about myself too. For instance, I have better-than-average taste in music and a sense of responsibility to other people and the world at large. I understand how to competently merge on the highway. I make a kickass grilled cheese sandwich and I do not purchase cheap beer.

But when it comes down to the very awkward -- for me, anyway -- question of what I love about myself, I think the most important thing is something that I can only describe as my constant engagement with life, and a commitment to learning and experiencing new things as much as I can until I die.

That sounds wrong, and vaguely awkward. I can't really sum it up.  

EXCUSE ME WHO CAME UP WITH THESE PROMPTS ANYWAY?

But all I know is that my willingness to try new things -- to learn them or go to them or hang out with them or eat them or purchase them -- has made a profound and positive difference in my life.

It hasn't always felt like it was so great at the time. I climbed a rock wall once, for instance, and that pretty much sucked. I am a terrible rock climber. I don't have an extreme sports bone in my body, and I fear the destruction of years of reconstructive surgery and invasive orthodontia, to tell the truth. But when a (cute!) man with very serious looking climbing gear and an earnest expression handed me the little shoes and the helmet, at some point over the past decade I learned not to cry about it, but to put it on and try it until I either accomplished the goal or failed.

In this case I almost achieved the goal before I nearly stroked out -- major anxiety attack -- at the top. But the point is, I tried.

Over the past ten years, especially, I've had several opportunities to respond to negative situations -- heartbreak, depression, the impossible grief that comes with the deaths of some of the most important people in my life. And although some days it felt like swimming against every imaginable current just to meet the basic demands of my life as I was going through those things, I really never stopped living. I caved in all but the most basic, essential of ways. I raged and drank and babbled to my friends, but I never stopped, in very small and some very big ways, reaching for better.

I miraculously never stopped trying, even when the last possible thing I wanted to do was try anything. Even when the last thing I felt capable of was another activity or thought or plan.

This is the characteristic that led me to take a trip almost every month in 2005, the year the supposed love of my life left to follow his me-less dreams. I cried my way through the American Southwest for the first time, and ended up in California for the first time the following year. I also signed up for my first photography class in the deepest throes of depression following that breakup, and it would take an entire blog to describe the effect that has had on my life.

This is what led me to blogging and the rack of great friends I got from that, and back to school and across the world to take a cab across Hanoi alone and sit with kids who couldn't hear or speak, which was only one of the reasons that it didn't matter that our languages were different.

 

My rolling stone brain gives me my stories, by virtue of the hands and feet it sends on various travels and the mouth that goes along. And although my life may lack some of the fundamental things I still kind of believe I ultimately need to think it was what I wanted it to be, in the meantime I live it every day.

Because the alternative is horrifying. Because when I'm idle I'm insane. Because there is so much to do -- can't you see it all out there?

I don't wait for anyone to go with me, because I can't afford to.

Even when I'm sitting still, I'm planning. I'm dreaming and imagining and knowing that no matter how many years I have left, it will not be enough to do all of the things that I have the capacity both to rock and to fail on the face of this planet. And as much as that could be overwhelming, I'm just glad I still think that way.

I want to go everywhere.

I want to learn languages.

I want to see so much more live music.

I want to be the writer I've always wanted to be, in every way that I can possibly make that real.

I want to be part of a community -- a real one, one that is physical and that I can feel around me in my  house or on my street.

I want to take your picture.

I want to understand major political conflicts and economics and learn sign language and how to change my own oil.

And they're not all big things, either, the things I pick up. This fall I made chicken soup from scratch for the first time. It was a pain in the ass, but it was completely rewarding and now I know how and I can do it again.

As long as I'm alive and capable, I won't ever stop learning. I won't ever stop doing stuff or going places or trying things. And I kind of love that about me.

Following are the writing prompts for 30 Days of Truth, should you be interested in doing so yourself.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Three Places I've Lived - Roommate From Hell Edition

Becky, one of my new favorite people, tagged me in a note on a site that dares not speak its name. I occasionally do memes as a writing prompt, and because the past year or so it's been really hard for me to get anything written at all besides, well, nothing, I was doing it a lot - notes, lists, Yelp reviews, whatever. I obsessed over that 25 Random Things thing like I was gunning for a Pulitzer, and I can't remember what even one of them was now. Wait. Let me check.

They were really boring, actually. Did you know that I often count along with the syllables to words? As in tapping them out like Nell? No? Didn't care, either, did you? Should have definitely played that one funny. I kind of want to punch myself in the face now.

I had already written the Three Things thing last month that new favorite person Becky tagged me in. Typically, you list three things about yourself in each category, i.e., three tv shows I watch are Top Chef, CNN on endless loop and The Office and that's pretty much it, aren't you glad you know that now too? And also how unoriginal am I? At least I rent the Weeds dvds when I get a chance (which is never, never ever ever anymore. If my life would slow down I might be able to catch up with my stories, kids. But I'll never miss Top Chef. Write that down. No really. Write that down for me, please, so I remember I said it.)

ANYWAY, when I went back to this note to tag Becky, my answers to the three places I've lived actually made me laugh out loud, as in for real LOL. Apparently I had a lot of pent up feelings about these roommate situations. So now you get to read it too, if you want, and I get to put something on my blog from that nameless site and it all just kind of mashes up super nicely for a Monday evening that capped off a really traditionally underwhelming Monday, thanks for asking.

It should be noted that whereas I can be an embellisher in certain circumstances, my life and interpersonal encounters are fucked up weird enough on a daily basis to not really require it very much, and these descriptions are particularly accurate and unembellished. Sadly. Also I really loved living alone.

Three places I've lived (the roommate from hell edition:)

1. In a crazy grad student house in Dayton where my mail was stolen out of the box and I lived with an insane girl from Chicago who moved to Ohio to stalk her ex-boyfriend who went to the same university, who called everyone "jag-offs" and spent her time compulsively shopping at Wal-Mart and doing insane things. These included getting her car keyed at Wal-Mart because she yelled "FUCKING MOTOR" out the window of her car to a little Ohio lady who then apparently keyed her car while we were still inside; trying to write checks for her food at Subway and then raging because the Subway boy wouldn't take her check; telling my loveably, perpetually high boyfriend all about how she was going to get back at her perpetually high ex by writing an editorial in the school paper about marijuana use on campus, causing my said boyfriend to go, "Oh my God, you live with a narc. I can't be here."; getting into a fight with my other roommate and accusing her of drinking a beer each morning [ed. note: something she only figured out because she dug through the garbage to find each solitary can, hello KRAZY] quoting Sheryl Crow's lyric, "I like a good beer buzz/early in the morning" to her in a nasty note that pretty much ended all serenity in the house [ed. note: and escalated into a full-on, back and forth Post-It-Notes-on-doors war that stuck together added up to the length of War & Peace, because both of them, it turns out? Yeah. The K-word] until we all had to move out in second semester. Invigorating.

2. In a house in Kettering, Ohio, with a very neurotic girl who was on the phone talking to her friends or her mother loudly every morning by 7 a.m. and also stomping around at that hour in her played out Doc Martens (wtf? Who calls people just to randomly chat at 7 a.m.? I can't even talk yet at 7 a.m.) and ended up hating me because I didn't want to pay a $730 gas bill so charged because the previous tenants screwed with the meter and we didn't know it until they shut off our heat in February. In Ohio. In February. To which I replied, "Fuck you, Dayton Power & Light. There may not be any elderly people or children in this house but that stunt earns you none of my money." So then she got all crazy and passive-aggressive and started with the e-mail messages in stilted, weird language and eventually it just all fell apart and that was that.

3. In a horrible, alternately boiling hot or freezing cold house in Hyattsville with one normal guy who liked to dance the salsa dancing and played hockey on alternate nights, the totally shady Jimmy Buffett Parrothead wannabe Annapolis sailor without a boat who owned the place and a tiny British math ph.d student who drank a twelve pack warm in his room every night and wailed along poorly to pop/folk-type songs (i.e., Mad World by Gary Jules) and worse yet never (NE.VER.) flushed the toilet or put his food down the garbage disposal even though the hole is RIGHT THERE, just push your leftover salad down there and flip the switch, you pretend to be a hippie so shouldn't you be composting anyway?...Who wandered around drunk in the early morning hours doing things like breaking the bathroom window and helpfully explaining that "it broke" when asked whether or not someone had broken in or he'd punched it or what.

At least I don't name names.

 

Lists ahoy

I had put this whole post together, painstakingly I tell you - mostly photos summarizing February, for Leap Day because why wouldn't I post on Leap Day given that the next time it rolls around I could be in a world without blogs, having forever missed the opportunity to post on February 20-effing-9th. And after all this painstakingness, FUCKING (sorry. Only word that fits.) Firefox shut down and ate it. Firefox was all, "Suck it, mama. You're mama's so ugly in your town it's not Halloween, it's YourMamaWeen."

I heard that last week and I laughed for minutes. It's so dumb and yet so enjoyable.

Anyway, if I'd had tears in me at that point of the post explosion I would have cried. I did not, however.

I was blowing off all manner of academic and paid and "paid in clips" assignments to write the post, because February was such an incredibly hectic and photo-filled month in which I posted very little of consequence, as it turned out, and I wanted the pictures to tell the story, at least for my sake. I might try it again but it's a little late at this point.

So here I am. It's March 3. I leave for VIETNAM IN TEN DAYS, oh saints preserve us oh my LORD. I am so not even ready, but given that I've not been ready for even a trip out the door until it actually happens for my whole entire life, this really isn't that much of a newsflash. As much as it makes my life a daring adventure or nothing (or in my case a severely disturbed MadLib) it will not do on this trip. It's one thing when I'm heading across the county and forget my phone or my phone CHARGER or the particular battery for the particular camera that I need for whatever I'm headed out to do (this happens to me, without fail, because I am an idiot stick attention deficit moron. But otherwise I love me.) End up in Vietnam without my right camera battery or charger? I'd lay down in a rice paddy - they grow in the city proper in Hanoi, amazingly enough - and weep.

My story partner is a 19 year old guy who walked across Taiwan last summer and made a documentary about it, probably at the same time that I was prone on the beach sucking down Coronas and taking pictures of my toes. He's got the right amount of youthful idealism to balance me out, and we're getting along fine. Although when he suggested camping, as in "hey it'd be cool to camp on the road to HaLong Bay when we're out covering our story," I got a little peaked. I do not camp at home, just because I never have. I haven't ever. My family didn't and I never really hung out with people who did. I generally enjoy the experience of sleeping indoors, I have to say. I sleep out on the deck at the beach in the summer because the sound of waves, to me, is magic, but then I'm on a deck chair and not the ground.

When Jeff suggested it I was like, hmm. Camping. Vietnamese camping, in unknown territory. Um, okay. I guess if you're going to start, it doesn't really matter where, and now that I'm ripping open the super value meal of my life with my teeth I may as well take it to the wall. I was telling a friend this and she said, "'Camp' is a four-letter word in my world, sister." I guess we'll see how it all plays out.

We're assigned to the industrial corridor story, which will indeed have us heading out to Halong Bay, a beautiful place that's on the Gulf of Tonkin between Vietnam and China. I'll be able to pretend to see CHINA, people, and it'll actually be a body of water away. How cool is that? The bay is a United Nations World Heritage site that was apparently in the running when they redrafted the wonders of the world a couple of years back, although apparently it didn't win.

Anyway, the highway winds out of Hanoi to Halong Bay about three hours east, and our story covers what the industrial growth along this corridor is doing to the area, including the environment. We're going to drive out there the day or so after we get to Vietnam, and it turns out that you can spend the night on junks in the bay. Junks, like in the Little River Band song! And like in Lancelot Link!

My cultural immersion should go swimmingly. Please understand me when I say that I have no idea where I'm going. I have no earthly comprehension of it and I love that.

Posting may be weird again this month, but as I get myself together for this trip I'm going to try to get in the game with NaBloPoMo, mostly because I love the Lists theme for March and my brain could use a daily organization exercise. I've been making a lot of weird lists about music lately, so maybe I'll go with a theme within a theme? I don't know.

Oh, and about the design. Yeah. I had the new black one up, and I kind of liked it, until I talked to my friend Annett who actually reads this page on a regular basis and tells me nice and completely unwarranted things about the way I do go on about my LIFE and mySELF and blahblahblah. Annett is one of the greatest people I know and not just for that reason, I swear. It's because I swear I always laugh with her - as in always always. We make each other laugh. A lot of people do not make me laugh, at least not for the right reasons. When they do I follow them around until they get used to me and agree to be my friend. That's the deal here. So when I called Annett said, "Oh, hi, it's my GOTH FRIEND! I was going to call you and see what was wrong." She kids, she kids, but then when I said that I liked the embossed leaves at the top, she said, "Ghosts! They looked like ghosts!"

So you know, I went all perky with the butterflies, which I can stand because of those moody swirly things and a shade of warm red that makes me really happy. So there you go. Enjoy the warm fuzzy while it lasts. Soon I'll be back to my usual anger with a side of Diet Coke that makes me such a joy to be around.

I'm such a liar. ;)   

Resolve

It is January 3rd. It's cold outside, way cold outside. I go back to work tomorrow after almost three weeks off. On the eve of that particular action, I thought I'd respond to the call that the Lovely Lisa Stone put out on BlogHer (with backup from Denise, the anti-resolution lady) for what kinds of things we were resolving for this shiny brand new year. I'm saving her list for the end though, because it's quite detailed and needed more thought than I thought!

I should note that I didn't intend to write the mother of all new year's blogs before I stumbled across the suggestions from these ladies. But the more I read on the BlogHer site and on the personal blogs of women I admire from there all year long, I got more jazzed about the whole thing. I'm in a good mood about looking back and looking forward, while trying hard to stay grounded in this moment, which is my hugest challenge (right now? My feet are cold, I just watched the great Letterman return with Robin Williams, and I'm ALMOST done with photo uploading. That's as grounded as I get around here.)

And since I've been reading all of these posts on BlogHer, I've been thinking about whether resolutions are necessary at all, especially if it matters if they happen now or in April. In general resolutions can seem like an invitation to fail. You know, tell yourself you're gonna lose 50 pounds and by the 3rd when your little sister makes homemade mac 'n cheese (with GRUYERE!) after you come back from dinner (AFTER!) things can maybe get a little shaky. Like when I quit smoking, for the final time, like seven years ago or whenever it was, it wasn't in January. It was on a day when my body, mind and soul together were sick of cigarettes and wanted to live a life that didn't include them.  I think one January I resolved not to swear, which is a total joke if you know me at all.

I don't think there's any harm though in looking back at what the previous year hath wrought (see below for that one) and looking ahead to how the new one can be better, or more of the same, or at the very least something pretty good (also see below.)  I don't think there's anything wrong with living with intention, honestly. I'm as flexible as people tend to come but if you have some idea of at least why you're going after certain things, maybe the hows and with whoms and whens can make a little more sense. Maybe.

This year I'm going to be on the move, I can feel it. As Maria wrote here, a guiding word or two or three can help to keep you on the right path. I've been thinking about what mine would be since I read her post. The beautiful Christine Kane writes about this word-choosing practice here. I keep coming back to "Create", with "Spirit" as the second.

I want to create good things this year. I want to create order, in my heart, in my world, in my bank account. I want to create a better, healthier self by getting my butt in motion and eating better. I want to create more peace in my heart and in my life by spending time with people who help me achieve this for myself and for them. I want to create more community where I'm meant to be and where I can find it. I want to create a new career. I want to create happiness, fun and laughter. I want to create better relationships. I want to create a space for myself to write and work with my pictures. 

I'm including "spirit" because I need to learn to tend to mine better. I don't read anything motivational or participate in any kind of meaningful ritual these days. I have no interest in organized religion at this point but maybe I need something structured. I read this article about Buddhists on New Year's Day and it just sounded beautiful, the things they believe and how they honor the passage of time. I felt a distinct lack of connection inside myself to anything of this sort when I read it, and I knew it meant I was lacking. I never really found true spiritual connection in the Catholic church. I don't know if this means I need to go to yoga or meditate or what, but it's one of those things that you don't realize is lacking until you find yourself wound really tight. Maybe it's just a lack of faith I feel, I don't know, or the result of years of talking myself out of love and denying feelings that have actually always been quite strong, I just didn't think they were acceptable. I don't know. I'm trying to strike a balance between being a total TMI head case and accepting quietly within myself what I can't change and moving forward. All I know is, spirit needs to be a part of this year. It needs to be a more gentle year on that level.

And on that note, I'll fill out this list that Lisa suggested. It's helpful. I'm going to put it on paper, too, as she suggested, writing it with my new set of 20 SHARPIE MARKERS (love my new markers!) and put it in my new planner. And then hopefully actually USE my new planner and not lose it and find it in July in my card smashed underneath 12 Diet Coke cans. Because this is NOT useful behavior for the '08. In fact, that should get its own category, which I may indeed add at the end. Here goes. 

Heart and Home - Try to stay open. Relax into and be happy with the fragile peace I've finally gotten. Take care of myself and don't worry so much about when "he" will arrive, because it's never gotten me anywhere but totally freaked out. Focus on my friends, because in that area I'm definitely really lucky. Get to know my new roommates and enjoy being in my new space. 

Family - Visit my grandmother more, and continue videotaping our chats. Try to send more cards and make more phone calls, especially cards. Help my parents get the basement cleaned out. Visit my sister's place in California.

Spirit - Try to be as kind as I can be, and not cranky. Cultivate some faith that's been lacking. Be grateful and give when I can. Try to volunteer, but I don't know where yet because I'm not sure what will fit my schedule as crazy as it is. Tell good stories about cool things - put some spirit in my writing, because I'm doing so much of it by necessity that it's nice if it serves some kind of purpose.   

Wallet - This is a huge area for me right now. I want to get my credit card debt down and my car paid off. I also need to handle the final semester of school and make sure that whatever path I'm on with my academic program is financially viable. This is what's keeping me awake at night currently.

Health - Try to prioritize sleep. It's so important for me. Make sure I stay current on medical and dental appointments, because I suck at this outright. Take medicine consistently. Do some exercise on a regular basis. Include some kind of supportive meditation or yoga in all this mess because  I'm no good without it. Ingest mostly water and bag the soda. Minimize alcohol intake. Breathe.

Create - I am going to begin printing my photos and trying to find a way to sell them, maybe on Etsy. Get back into Photoshop again. My sister bought me a huge cross-stitch pattern for my birthday with all the materials so try to do this by the end of the year. Redesign site(s) and get really good at video, audio and web stuff in my spring multimedia class projects so I can go out on my own by the summer.

Work - Have a really successful semester at school, do a good job at the bureau in the fall and build freelance work up to the point that it's a regular source of income and not just mad money. Cause I need my mad money to BE my money now.  Get my office organized at work and at home so I'm more productive.

Write - Write every day for personal expression as well as academic requirements. Pitch magazine pieces and don't just rely on local papers for class clips. That said, go BEYOND class clips to really write some interesting things. Also, make sure that the trip to Vietnam serves its purpose by publishing every day to the Web when I'm there and seeking out all opportunities to pursue the stories we're assigned. Write a separate article for the Carnegie seminar class to build up portfolio. Rework blogs - add and subtract as necessary.

Odds and Ends: Travel wherever and whenever I can. Take ten minutes every day to center myself and calm down. Approach problems directly whenever possible. And do not, not, not allow new Sharpie-markered planner to get lost under a pile of 12 Diet Coke cans in the back seat of my car. Oh, and also: smile more.

Sound like a plan? 

And finally, the Mayfly Project, a summation of the just-departed year in 24 words. 

Change, progress and letting go: journalism school, teaching, Katie moved, three houses, Grandmommy died. Thousands of words. Pictures and music. Finally moving on.

Happy new year, y'all.   I think it's going to be a good one. Thanks for checking in and sticking around to those who do. I really am just a sort of ordinary person with a lot of stuff on her mind, and if I didn't put it here, God knows what I'd do. It's an archive and a planner, a diary and a conversation. I expect it to take me as far down the road as I need it to, certainly at least through this year. May yours be happy and productive - may it be everything you need it to be.