LaurieWrites

The man in front of me in line at Barnes & Noble on Christmas Eve had a tower of books, dvds and games in his arms, probably about 20 items, stacked really awkwardly and in imminent danger of toppling over.

The boy behind me whispered in my ear, "That's either for one pretty spectacular kid, or a lot of just average ones. Wonder which one it is?"

It is the night of the Christmas Trees and Pies.

Please to note: I am a little bit on edge right now, which is to say a lot a bit on edge, for a variety of reasons that sound increasingly stupid to me with every passing minute. The only thing that seems to be helping me maintain a bit of internal stasis is writing in this thing, which is why I've been updating more than usual and not always with gems. So whereas I should perhaps take some of this jiggy over to livejournal, set on private, I'm very "whatever" about that at this point. So I'm a little afraid to say this, but the rest of this godforsaken month may well be liveblogged. And remember...it's not you. It's totally me. Feel free to go read someone who is actually funny  (really, go to Matthew Baldwin's site and check out his link blog - especially the "every girl on craigslist", Terry Pratchett and Messiah links. The "every girl" one made me laugh guiltily, Terry Pratchett is a fucking class act (irony?) and the Messiah bit is just amusing.) Or go see someone who takes good photos. And don't say I didn't give you anything for the holiday.

It is Christmas Eve, and what that means Chez Laurie is several stops on the last-minute Christmas shopping train (dammit. Not supposed to happen this year, but Target here I am coming. Dammit.) Then the watching of Scrooged and Christmas Vacation will commence, and a repetitive marathon of South Park holiday specials. I'm holding it all together with a very spindly golden thread, thanks, and having to pull out the big guns to do it. Therefore, last night on the way up the road from paying my last and final rent check from the house I'm moving out of, I sang the Eric Cartman version of O Holy Night to myself in the car, several times. And every time I'd stop at the part where he goes "Fall on your knyas....and hear the angels' SOMETHING (VOICES!)" part and just sing it over and over again and laugh myself stupid. It was fun. ("Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" serves the same purpose for me in non-holiday times as this one and "Swiss Colony Beef Log" keep it all together at Christmas. Again, stay classy Laurie.)

The first video is the one where Kyle cattle prods him whenever he forgets the words. The second one is a stupid montage with him singing the song, but I can't find the actual clip from the episode. DAMMIT.

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Yes, there will be therapy in the new year, never fear.

NORAD is tracking Santa Claus for you.  It's actually pretty cool, and if you bother to download Google Earth, you can see him in 3-D! Children today have no, absolutely no defense for boredom. Go outside and play - meh. Stay inside and TRACK SANTA IN 3-D? ROCK AND ROLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Also, I'm turning 37-25 in a few days. Regression in the aging process is my new thesis topic. I wish I'd known about this site in the Hallmark store the other day, where this little boy was doing generally little boyish things while his mother was dragging him through the line. And instead of any commiseration with him or just plain telling him to stfu, she kept saying ominously, "Santa Claus is watching you RIGHT NOW." And as in "kept saying," I mean she said it several times, in this creepy, nasty voice. "SANTA CLAUS WATCH YOU RIGHT NOW!!! He sees you!"  Go ahead and turn Santa into the grim reaper, mama, you go on with your bad self. Blame it all on him. I mean, how cool if the kid was on the NORAD site and could go, "Actually no dawg, Santa's just gearing up to head over the Arctic Circle RIGHT ABOUT NOW. He's got other things on his plate."

Little do these kids know I'm their silent partner in rebellion, just standing behind them in the Hallmark line rooting for them while their mothers and fathers torture the clerks for extra Gold Crown card discounts.

And just so you know which government agency is sponsoring this experience, NORAD is the North American Defense Command, just so you know, which means that they must know something about him that we don't.   Glad someone's keeping an eye on the sneaky...guy (I can't bring myself to call Santa a bad name.)

I WANT IT NOW.

Seriously. What does a girl have to do?

Last Minute Gift Ideas

The Morning News is a great site, made even better by gift guides from two of my favorite Internet writers.

As usual, Matthew Baldwin rocks it with his guide for slackers.  Bacon salt. The Bumper Dumper. It's all here. This commentary on giving a Facebook gift as a holiday gesture made me laugh out loud:

"In the unlikely event that you are not a member of that particular site (in defiance of the Facebook Conscription Act of 2006), why not burn a dollar bill and send the ashes to your loved one with a note reading “I made me $1 poorer 4 u.” Same basic idea."

Margaret Mason (also Mighty Girl) has a nifty guide to gift subscriptions if you're looking for something last minute. I'm a magazine junkie, I have to say, and this is one of my favorite gifts to receive. As Randy Quaid says in Christmas Vacation, "It's the gift that keeps on giving all year long, Clark."

Thing is, no one ever gives them to me (except for on occasions where I leave those horrible paper inserts around as a hint hint HINT.) I think because they think they're boring? Oh no. Buy me The Week or Craft
because I probably wouldn't get it for myself? Cool. Plus the person will think about you every time their magazine comes in the mail. Or at least I would.

Out of 5 Jackpot (plus some more stuff)

You may be familiar with my obsession with Out of 5, one of my favorite sites where they have the weekly mixes available for download. Well, I was really happy to find that they left Week 100 up longer than the usual week...I guess because it includes 10 mixes by 10 people.  I ended up grabbing all of them, but I'm especially fond of Dee's Disco Mix and Brigitte's The 80s Really Didn't Suck.

Check it out! I'd seen Donna Summer's "Dim All the Lights" on a song list the day before, and got this urge to hear the song immediately (I know...what can you do? Turn on the old victrola, come on dance the night away, that's what.) I hadn't looked for it yet, but I go to Dee's excellent list, and there it is. Disco serendipity, Happy Christmas Donna Summer, woohoo and all that jazz.

Seriously, this song? It's a great song. So of course I've been listening to it repeatedly and chair dancing (especially when the percussion gets going there in the middle, wow. HAHA!)  and getting all sniffly thinking about Love Boat reruns and Rex Smith and dance floors that light up one square at a time.

Girl can still sing. She can't move a whole lot, but what do you want at 60 or whatever she is? 

Also, this week at Out of 5 they have Jingle Bells for Winter Fun, which really is fun, no matter how I may feel about this song at this point.  Count Basie has a version, and Korn, and N'Sync, and Smokey Robinson, all in one list.

Also, did I mention Drunkymas? Believe I did, but no harm in bringing it to your attention again. Five more days. Turn up the old Victrola.

God I need some eggnog, and it's noon.

But first, because I do have some taste in spite of all the raging evidence to the contrary, this is my favorite thing I've found today: a rack of Christmas/holiday season songs from the early 20th century (you know, the last one) at Paul's Ramblings.  They've been transferred from vinyl to mp3 as I understand it. He has more explanation of their origins on the site. I love the Hallelujah Chorus (we used to sing it every year in chorus which didn't even sour me on it) so it's nice to have it in this format. And I can't wait to check out "Ring Out, Wild Bells" by the Carol Singers, who were throwing it down in 1916. Should be some pretty crazy stuff.

the Christmas songs, let me show them to you.

My "merry, merry" category is growing. Countdown, friends...it's a week and some days til the fat man gets his ass stuck in chimneys everywhere (yet will STILL REMARKABLY bring me my Snoopy Sno Cone Machine. Or else.) I can think of no better way to celebrate than free songs! Free songs! Songs everywhere for free dollars!

Check out the iTunes store "Free download" section for "O Come O Come Emmanuel" by Carter's Chord, three talented (and pretty, naturally) sisters whose parents were in Waylon Jennings's band The Waylors. They're the notes in the chord, get it? Get it????

The song is a little bit too slow for me, but it is, like they are, pretty. And it's free. Also, they were just signed to Toby Keith's label, just to show I'm an equal opportunity downloader.

You want a copy of the Sweetney holiday mix, if you can still get it. I thinkest thou can, indeed. Tracey  has excellent taste in music, among other things, as her Song of the Week selections will show. I have the the holiday track list as a jpg. Let's see...

Oh yay.  Worked. Can't say how well, but it worked.

If you want to be unhappy (and really, who doesn't?) go watch the Christmas Shoes video. How could it get worse than crying children, the lyric, "You see she's been sick for quite a while, I know these shoes will make her smile,", Rob Lowe, Kimberly WIlliams Paisley in that fake-ass death makeup that mocks really sick people everywhere, all in one video? Kristy's peeps more or less voted it the worst Christmas song ever, and I concur. (although man oh man, the runner-up list is extensive, yes?)

This of course has not stopped me from tormenting two of my dearest friends at school with the video at every opportunity, including having it loaded on my laptop during breaks in theory class, on facebook walls, you name it. They still speak to me, and as proof that retribution is often perfect, I got in the car the other day, turned on the holiday station for a more festive than average drive to school, and there it was. That's what you get for trying to be all cute, to the point where you  get text messages that simply say "No Christmas Shoes" and messages like, "the Christmas Shoes terrorism has to stop. We will not stand for it."

Courtesy of Kristy's commenters, by the way, I have for you (seriously, Lord help me) C3PO's Christmas in the Stars and Jason Hare's pretty rockin' Mellowmas category. There are some gems among the daily (truly disturbing) mockable Christmas songs...I mean, John Denver honestly recorded "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas, which popped up in the "drunkymas" subcategory and oh do I love the Internet so on occasions like this. To recover, check out "Christmas Must Be Tonight" from The Band. It's in that category somewhere. And you don't even have to tell me if you downloaded Kenny and Dolly without irony.

I'm in platonic love with Jason Hare at this point (because I just discovered him and have no idea who he is) but the dude linked to the ENTIRE STARLAND VOCAL BAND HOLIDAY ALBUM in this same category last year, and received a response from the band at that.

Hello, welcome to my new favorite holiday time suck. Thanks Jason Hare.

More as I find them, promise.   

Pet presents

I just finished the holiday gift guide for non-humans over at Blogher.

And speaking of things I never thought I'd say, I really need the Barkology tunic.